The invisible connections...

In sharing openly about our loss of Teagan and the sudden reality of trauma, grief, sorrow and heartache in our day-to-day lives our family has made connections in 'real life' and online that we never would have likely encountered had we not shared our story. This 'connection' is something that almost always invisible to the eye, but is powerful and felt so strongly by the heart. Now that it has been several years of sharing our story I am simply amazed at how many people do have this connection to us and we with them- a connection that I treasure and yet ache so deeply for all at the same time.

I recently heard it [death/heartache] described as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who also carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain; those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (unknowingly many times) or are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't empathize in the same way because they do not know the depth of the ache and how it feels. I hurt when I learn of others who hurt. I ache on a whole new 'level' post-Teagan's death than I ever did prior to our tragedy. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was going good for us, and now when I offer words of comfort or extend a hug, having experienced death and living without Teagan brings new meaning to my words and my hugs are more heartfelt with Teagan's spirit wrapped around them too. I don't know if this even 'makes sense' to anyone that reads it... or maybe it does. I'm still often at a loss of how to explain what my heart feels and then to put it into words is a task all it's own.

What I do know is that our family is not alone when it comes to heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that are etched on their hearts forever too. I know that our experiences and challenges are unique to each other's situations, but there is an invisible connection that ties us all together too.

I get several emails and facebook messages each week from some of you as readers, and also from friends and family who share stories of people that you know, or even you yourself are going through, as it relates to death, trauma, disability or other life challenges that are overwhelming and scary. I am constantly reminded and humbled that my life experiences can 'connect' with others and even encourage many too. I am always touched by the people behind these stories and my heart goes out to them in a very special way. I often find myself in prayer for those of you who are going through painful life (and death) circumstances and feel strongly that one of the purposes for my pain serves to be a comfort to others in theirs. I don't know that I will ever fully understand the purpose of pain and heartache this side of Heaven, but I do know that 'good' can come from it when we give it to God and allow Him to work in us and through us.

I guess all this is spilling over onto the pages of this blog for several reasons. Two of the most beautiful ones you see pictured above- the top photo is Kate and the second little girl is Ava. Their stories and photos were shared with me by friends of theirs and I find myself "instantly" connected- mostly because of my own bright-eyed, curly haired little girl that tugs at my heart to this day. There's something special about little girls, but even moreso when someone emails me and says, "follow this link to their story". I can't help but go and I encourage you to do the same.

Kate's story is one that is still unfolding. She is battling cancer and you can find ways to 'get involved' with her story- whether through prayers for her, by giving to her toy drive or even just being grateful on a new level for your own health and that of those around you.

Ava's story is one that even in her absence continues to touch people around the world through the way her family continues to share her photos and story. I have 'talked' with her mom, Sheye, via emails and I know she would be moved if you would take time to read Ava's story and in turn act accordingly as a result. It doesn't change the fact that they miss Ava, but the hope of never having another family feel the pain they do is one that drives them to share their hurt and invite others to be changed as a result.

There are so many more stories and people that I could highlight and invite you to enter in to their stories too. I hope that many of you are continuing to pray for Jaymun's family as their wounds and heartache are still so fresh and painful. I know they appreciate your care too! I oftentimes wonder why lives are cut so short and questions are left to be asked and pondered. I have yet to come to an understanding of why things happen the way they do, and yet if you have followed here for any length of time you hopefully can see that our family simply trusts God every step of the way- whether the answers are revealed to us or not. Trusting in Him is the very thing that sees us through and this 'invisible connection' to the One who holds the universe in place is the one that we turn to every single day.

To wrap up my thoughts today I want to share with you the short devotional that I read in my quiet time this morning. It's titled "Secure in God" and it comes from a little book called: One-Minute Promises of Comfort by Steve Miller.

The verse for this devotional is Joel 2:27 which simply says,

"I am the Lord your God".

When we are deeply unsettled and feeling unsure about our lot in life, the greatest comfort we have is that we can be sure about God.

Temptations may plague us, and doubts may assail us. Questions may haunt us, and fear may disturb us. We may even reach a point of questioning God's existence, or feel as though He is powerless to help us.

Yet no matter how are circumstances make us feel, there is nothing that can threaten the certainty of who God is and the security of our relationship with Him. To hear Him say, "I am the Lord your God" can give us a sense of restful calm and confidence even in the worst of earthly disasters.

God is God, and nothing can change that. He has committed Himself to caring for you. Doesn't that make you feel secure?

How it works.

Would you believe that after more than eight years of living with grief and moving beyond trauma that there are still new things to learn about the whole process and unexpected moments can still come as a surprise? Well, it's true. I've got a little story to share with you that happened while I was browsing in the girls' outwear department yesterday. If you check in on me at Facebook, you already know what happened as I updated my status with this story.
This is what I posted:
I was stopped dead in my tracks when I was at a store today and heard a mom say, "Teagan, Teagan...come over here and stay by mommy, sweetie!". Of course I had to look over and see who Teagan was. She was about 5 or 6 and had pigtails in her hair and a smile on her face. Just what I'd expect from a little girl named Teagan. =)
I also added this when a friend asked me if I was okay:
For a quick second I thought about asking if I could give her a hug. Then I would have come home and said to Chip, "I hugged Teagan today!". Thanks, Karen for caring. Yes...I'm okay with such an unexpected moment. To me, anytime something or someone makes me think about Teagan is a really wonderful thing.
It really was a surprising thing for me to hear Teagan's name and to see a little girl bouncing around the clothing racks- just being happy. I have people occasionally tell me that they know someone named Teagan or have some sort of connection to that name, but I've never met another Teagan since mine went to Heaven in 2001. I actually really liked that I happened to be in that place at such a time yesterday to hear a mom call for her Teagan. I used to miss hearing her name so much and it made me realize that another Teagan was living this life with happiness. I was happy for them. That unexpected moment also made me realize how glad I am that I have moved beyond the heart-wrenching grief that I've lived through. Instead of tears welling up in my eyes I actually felt glad and I turned and had a big grin on my face.
There are times when I wish a million times over that I could change the reality of my life without Teagan. And if you're familiar with grief on a personal level as I am with the death of my little girl, you understand how my heart felt overwhelming gratefulness that such an incident brought back a million memories and I wouldn't trade those for anything in this world.
Grief is ever-changing; forever a part of my life- even in the most unlikely of places.
I just wanted to share this as I know that some of you are walking through the process and carrying a load of grief in your own life's story. I hope that even something as small as hearing your loved one's name in an unexpected place can bring healing and happiness to your heart too. It's hard to embrace death as it's so final- yet it never, ever goes away this side of Heaven. Today I am grateful for Hope all over again. I look forward to calling Teagan's name and having her run into my arms... with Hope, I know that will happen again someday.
That's how it works.

Playing by the "rules"

I was thinking about how much Chip and I need to get away as a couple this past week for several different reasons, but recognize how it isn't the easiest thing to make happen. So I looked back in my blog archives and found it was January of 2006 when we last spent time away from our kids/home/responsibilities for more than 24 hours. That's coming up on 4 years since we've taken time for our marriage beyond the routine ways of doing marriage. Our getaway that January- was a roadtrip to Iowa where we went to a friend's 40th birthday party. We were gone for about 48 hours. =)
Prior to that it had been about 9 years since we had taken a break anywhere- just the two of us. So what I can tell from our track record is that we are rule breakers when it comes to managing our marriage. In fact, it seems likely that out next together time could still be about 5 years away if we actually follow our track record. But I sure hope we don't stick to it that closely!
It's a wonder to me, and a testament of just how much we rely on God to sustain us, when I see that we're still together and that somedays we actually look like a happy couple. =) I'm not entirely kidding when I write that. I AM amazed that we have stuck it out and been through so much and still- even without trips and time together- we somehow keep it altogether. Some days better than others, but when it's all said and done we're still a couple. I'm humbled that Chip feels like our marriage is worth fighting for and that he chooses to come back home to me each day. I have to admit I'd take more time for us if we could make that happen, but I also understand the reality of just how hard that is.
Wyndham has medical needs that require a daily shot and she honestly has been one of the biggest reasons we don't ever go away together. Also, our families live in other states and to have dependable childcare for special needs kids and the number of kids we have is tricky all on its own. So it is what it is. I just was realizing all over again how we sort of defy the odds as a family and as a couple more than we're really aware of- especially in the society in which we live. I'm not planning on calling it quits anytime soon- or ever. I hope Chip isn't either. I also hope we get the chance to play by the marriage "rules" a bit better too. Hopefully sooner, rather than later. But, I can also say that even if we never go anywhere together {alone} again, I'll still be beyond grateful for what we share. It's a gift that I take for granted far too often.
I can't end this post without typing and publicly saying, "I love you, Chip" either. Even if he doesn't read this post for a few days or if it means I have to Facebook him and post on his wall to do so. Sometimes finding ways to love one another involves unconventional methods. If you didn't know that about me by now, you should know this- I happen to love unconventional. Especially in a marriage.
Love you, Chip! Every single day. xoxo

Crumbs and more.

Somedays I wonder if I am meant to do more than sweep Cheerios off of the floor and get tangles out of hair. I wonder if it matters that I bring Wyndham to therapy or wash yet another load of whites. I sometimes wonder if I had a choice, would I choose to pick kids up from school and have to quiet their squabbles on the ride home and force them to eat a few veggies at dinner too.

Yes. I can answer yes, I am meant for this. And sock monkey jammies and big smiles only add to my confidence and make every crushed Cheerio I sweep worthwhile. Today Ava learned to write her '5' correctly. She was so proud. I was happy to be the one to watch her form them and encourage and praise her as she learned something new.

Somedays it really is the littlest things that mean the most.

How fun!

So random number generator picked "Just call me b" as the winner of the DIY Holiday Workshop online class. Congrats to you! Just email me and I'll get KA to hook you up with all the class info that you need to get started. Fun!
Now, I wanted to give you all a little something for playing along, and I chose these adorable and festive winter brownie pops as just the thing. I found them through the Bake It Pretty blog- which has some of the cutest cupcake toppers and packaging ever. There was a link to the Inspired Bride, and that's how I found the photo above and the recipe for this cool dessert. I know my kids would love them. They would be really great for classroom parties and for holiday buffets too. So, I hope that helps get you all in the mood for making something this Christmas season.
To top it off, I'm also sharing a coupon code for 20% off purchases made at Snapfish.com. I got a custom photo book from there last year and love it. I get their flyer in the mail and it says to just enter coupon code HOLIDAY09 at the checkout to get the discount. There are some fun calendars and wall canvases for good prices on their website. I've been very pleased with my photos from there and hope maybe the savings will help a few of you stretch your Christmas budget just a bit.
It doesn't feel like winter is coming right now as here in Michigan we are finally getting a taste of nice autumn weather. But I have a feeling it will be here before I'm ready! Enjoy your week- wherever you are or whatever you're up to!

Merry {early!} Christmas to you!

Christmas is going to be here before we know it and I have something fun to share with you to make the gift-giving part of Christmas easier, more fun and personable too! My very talented and creative friends, Kayla Aimee and Wilna F. have teamed up and are offering an online DIY Holiday Workshop. It offers so much inspiration as well as free downloads for creating projects and also gives you ideas for making everyone on your list gifts this year. They have this to say about their class (here's a link to the online classroom so you can see more for yourself!):

"Our goal for the class was to truly make it a DIY holiday. We've repurposed sweaters into armwarmers and baby leggings, ornaments into centerpieces and made sure that ease and affordability went hand in hand with high quality homemade gifts. We've even included some easy craft you can do with your kids!"

There will be more than 25 projects covered in this class, which starts on November 15th. Feel free to stop over to the classroom/website and see some more sneak peeks of the projects they will be creating as well as find answers to any questions you may have about this class. I am taking it myself and am so ready to spend a couple of extra weeks this year celebrating Christmas- it's such a special holiday. I am also excited to offer each of you the chance to win a spot in this online class. KA and Wilna are letting me give away a spot to one of you lucky Nitty.Gritty. readers. Just post a comment telling me one of your favorite Christmas gifts or holiday dish that you love and a winner will be chosen on Monday! Merry early Christmas to one of you! =)

{By the way, doesn't Kayla Aimee have great hair?! She will laugh at me for posting that...but it's so true. Love you, KA! You too, Wilna!}

Ava Milan...

She makes me love jean jacket weather even more than I already do.

She has the most perfect color brown eyes and light brown hair a girl could ask for.

Her wink is cute and so is her smirk.

I can not imagine waking up in the morning and not getting a hug from her.

She got her first report card from kindergarten. It had lots of these on it: S+.

Her attitude can turn a day around- and sometimes it does several spins a day!

She could live on macaroni and cheese. I sometimes feel like letting her do so.

She is loud. Almost 100% of the time. I can't help but find that endearing. About 2% of the time.

I love her no matter what.

She knows it.

Lucky, little girl.

Happy Halloween.

Our family had some fun and festivities with some of our neighbors this afternoon and evening. The weather was cold and windy, but that didn't seem to slow any of the kids down. We somehow managed to get 5 kids into costumes- from a baby kangaroo to a lumberjack- and they brought home plenty of candy to keep them sugared up and happy for several weeks. =)

If you happen to see a crazy MN Viking's fan at Lambeau Field during the Vikings/Packers game tomorrow, it very well could be Chip. He may or may not be a happy fan- we won't know that until the end of the 4th quarter. Enjoy your extra hour of sleep tonight as we adjust our clocks back. I've been looking forward to it all day! Hope you all had a Happy Halloween too!

Crazy Love In Action

Our friends, the Loecken family, were featured on Good Morning America this morning, both in a taped segment and also live with their big RV on the plaza. I invite you to check out their story and be inspired and challenged too!
The basic premise is that they traveled to Africa and did some short-term mission work. After coming back home (to their comfortable home in GA) they felt led to do more and act on how they had been impacted by their trip.
That's what ultimately brought them to where they are now- living out of an RV, traveling across the country and serving everyday people all along the way.
If you click on this GMA link you can scroll down and watch their video piece titled, "AmeriCANS- Family's Mission to Serve". You can read a lot more about their family travels and what their up to and where they've been by reading their blog here. I know Jay and Beth and their kids would be thrilled to have you stop by and would be even more thrilled to know they have more prayer supporters as they continue to go wherever God leads them! It seems like such a radical thing- to uproot your family and go wherever you feel led, but that's precisely they way Jesus did ministry and the Loecken's admit that they feel like they receive more blessings than they give. They make it look "easy"- to love and serve. I need to open my heart and mind up and jump in and do more. They've inspired me! Crazy love in action...the world could use more of that, wouldn't you agree?!
{Loecken family photo used by Jay's permission}

More randomness.

I like it when you buy food and it actually looks like the picture on the package when you get it out of the box. =) These mixed veggies are what Crew and I ate for lunch and for 99 cents they were colorful, tasty and looked like their picture! We had some whole wheat toast with deli ham and provolone too. In case you wondered what he is eating right now. All finger food.

The other half of my dining room table was, and still is, covered with cardstock, fabric and leaves. I've been trying to play around and cutting out leaves and sewing them onto cards seemed like a good idea to me. Now, if I could manage to get them in the mail and delivered to friends, I'll really feel like I've accomplished something!

The self portraits were snapped an hour ago. I colored my hair twice in 2 days {again!} and am happy to say that I got it to a shade I can live with for the next month or so. =) Or maybe I should say I got the gray/purple/blue streaks out and now I actually have to come up with a costume if I plan on dressing up for Halloween this weekend. My hair was so obviously gray/purple that when Sarah Jessica Parker for Garnier Nutrisse came on tv yesterday afternoon, Bella looked at me during the ad and said, "That's what you need, Mom!". I think I need a little more than a hair color fix to turn into her, but I did swipe on some new red lipstick today. I bought it last week on a buy 1, get 1 free deal at the grocery store. Now that I stop and think about buying boxed haircolor and lipstick at Meijer, I shouldn't be surprised that I don't look like a movie star. The good news is that I'm not trying to be one. =)

My theory is that if you look better, you'll feel better. With 2 kids not feeling so hot here at our house (Wyndham and Ava) I am trying to avoid getting sick. I know my theory doesn't hold much water, but there's no harm in trying. I'm sure if I end up staying healthy it has more to do with colored veggies than it does about lipstick and hair color.

I also think I need to consider taking a nice long blog break. Because this randomness is making me look crazier than I am. At least my hair is the right color though! Important stuff. Really.

Read this today...

"The older we get, the fewer things we find that are worth standing in line for". Isn't that the truth! Have you read any good quotes lately? Also, what would you stand in line for more than an hour for?
I'd stand in line for a nice family picture or this.
Although I think after standing in line for an hour, there wouldn't be too many smiles to capture! I'm trying to de-clutter my countertops today and this blogpost is my break from that. So pardon the randomness of it. I think I'm going crazy from the mess that seems to never end around here. I'm going to be a minimalist in my next life. Ha!
Here's one more random thing for your day...scroll down this blog to see some cute felt garland. I like it alot. And I don't think it would clutter up my counter, but would look good draped behind everyone if we were to take an autumn picture. =)

My little guys.

I snapped these photos on the only clear fall day we've had all month long, it seems! I don't know about the weather where you are, but here in west Michigan it's been way too wet and cool for my liking. I am really hoping for some sunshine and dry weather in the next week or so. It would be nice to get out and enjoy some autumn weather. As you can see, Crew was happy to be outside and barefoot as well. Until he realized I was just using my Blackberry phone as a prop to get his attention during the picture-taking session. I couldn't resist capturing his sudden mood swing and cry on camera when the fact sunk in to his little head. Brock thought his attitude change was funny too. Poor Crew, he's having to learn that you don't always get what you want at such a young age, and there's not much sympathy for him either! Life is tough, huh?!

I've heard it said that if we all were to toss our troubles into one big pile, that we would quickly scramble to grab back hold of our own. I don't know if I would agree with that statement in my own life, but it does make one stop and think about what we do have to be thankful for. I've found that gratitude- for even the smallest blessings in life- is one of the surest ways to experience contentment and keep complaints to a minimum. I also firmly believe that without a true relationship and belief in God and His ways that some things in this life can be truly overwhelming. I'm so glad that in the good times and bad times I can trust that God is in control. There's something so amazing and reassuring to have such a Peace. Especially when things don't "go our way".

I'd like to share this quote by A.W.Pink with you in regards to God's faithfulness- which is what I lean on no matter what circumstances come my way. It reads:

"Far above all finite comprehension is the unchanging faithfulness of God. Everything about God is great, vast, incomparable. He never forgets, never fails, never falters, never forfeits His word". I don't know about you, but I find that trusting in an unchanging, loving God is something that gives a deep and satisfying calm in an otherwise uncertain world. I hope you are trusting in Him too!

Mid-morning coffee break.

I took it as a sign after seeing this recipe pop up on at least three different occasions the past couple of days. My sister (Hi Steph!) even emailed me the link and a note to say she was thinking of me when she came across this latte. So this morning was the day I acted on it and I am now sipping the rewards of doing so. It's a homemade pumkin spice latte and I'm enjoying every sip as well as doing myself a favor and giving my body the 100% recommended daily allowance of vitamin A. Good stuff, if you ask me.

Here's the link to the recipe. I modified it only slightly and added a touch more cinnamon and nutmeg. I also got really gourmet and pulled out a frothing device I got years ago when I interned on the tv show "Good Company". I may not have gotten a job as a result of that internship, but I did gain good experience and still can make the best frothy milk on the block.

I suppose I could have best used this morning coffee break making beds around my house and starting some laundry, but I will admit, it feels kind of nice to just kick back and enjoy something a little extra indulgent once in awhile. After 1000 blogposts, I feel I've earned a little "me time". =)

{As for winner of the previous post... Becky! Make sure we touch base at school in the next few days. You're the lucky winner this time! I've got a little something for you. I hope you'll enjoy it.}

Now, my latte is almost gone and it's time to get back to reality. Which seems a bit nicer after a big dose of homemade vitamin A!

Post 1000.

I just got done baking and eating some pumpkin bread. It's especially tasty with some cinnamon swirl cream cheese spread on it. My kids all love this. The recipe is here, but I cut back on the sugar to 2 cups and instead of 1 cup of oil I used 1/4 cup oil and 3/4 cup of natural applesauce. Also the baking time needs to be doubled. So maybe I actually reinvented this recipe. I highly recommend it, if you're in the mood for something pumpkin. Delicious and easy.

Wow!

I can't believe I've blogged 1000 times. I was thinking back to when it all began. I had less clutter around my house, one less kid, a live-in nanny/friend, and not a clue what I would "say" from day to day. I was failry new to the whole world of blogging and had actually only been following a handful of them for a few months when I started kicking around the idea of my own place in cyberworld.

Chip said, "Why would anyone want to read your blog?", I didn't have a good response other than, "It's just going to be for our families and friends". I often emailed them updates and photos as to what our family was going through and thought a blog might be a handy way to just put it all out there and then let them check in when it was convenient. I had no idea this place would actually take on a life of its own. =)

It's been really wonderful to "meet" so many of you. Several of you have become friends- through scrapbooking and more. So many of you have encouraged me through emails and real mail and I have loved that you share your life stories right back. It's definitely been fun to be able to look back through the many stories and especially the photos and see how life has changed and evolved in the past few years. I would have forgotten so many of the details here and am so glad that I have paused and blogged about things like kids putting jammies in the toilet and Chip running over a skunk late one night. Those are the things that happen, but are quickly forgotten in the bustle of daiy life. I'm happy that I have been able to watch Wyndham accomplish new things and see Crew grow inside me and out. I am happy to look back on funny things my kids have said and look forward to many more. There have been serious topics, moments I wish I didn't have to blog and things I am still churning over in my mind wondering how they will 'look' on the blog as they play themselves out too.

My original blog name (which lasted about 2 days) was "Life- This side of Heaven". That's really what this is about, and for me it all comes down to the Nitty.Gritty.

I'm so glad that you all have somehow come to this place- my space in the web- and been touched in some small way. I don't know how long I'll keep blogging, but hope that I can capture a lot more before I call it quits. I'm glad I was able to show Chip that I did have something to say and that- if even only for our family- documenting life experiences this way is truly valuable.

Thanks for playing along this week and saying hello from wherever you are. I was surpised at the number of people reading from Indiana...Hi you guys! We drive through the corner of your state on our travels to MN, so be sure to wave hello on our next trip. I had Chip pick a number between 1 and 143 and he chose #78. Congrats to Susan of Granger, IN...I'll be sending you a Starbuck's giftcard and a chocolate bar in the mail soon! (Send me your address at nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com )

Now, to the rest of you, if you didn't play along yet, or you want one more chance, tell me your favorite candy bar or holiday dessert and I'll have Chip pick another number sometime by Sunday night. I'm not sure why anyone wants random mail from me, but I sure do have fun sending mail and it could be coming to a box near you!

The wishing.

I don't know if I become more keenly aware of the brilliance of the changing colors of the leaves each year, or if at their peek my emotions are simply touched in new ways, but it always hits me at least once. This year is no exception. Some of the reds seem a deeper red. Some of the oranges and yellows are so vivid they seem to make the trees appear lit up. Despite the cold and the wet weather we have been having for several days, the leaves are still turning colors and the changing season is in full swing. That, coupled with the recent death of little Jaymun and the daily growth and changes we see in our little Crew from day to day, makes me pause and think and wonder and ponder. All over again.
I pulled out a couple of photos of Teagan and Brock and remembered the time I shared with them at this time of year. Fall can be such a fun time of the year- especially if the weather stays just warm enough to enjoy long afternoons outside. There's something so wonderful about the fresh air and crisp leaves and the reality that living in Michigan means the snow could start to fall at anytime, so you need to take advantage of being outside without being bundled up as much as you can. =) I recall those afternoons outside with Teagan and Brock so clearly. We would go next door and rake a couple of bags of leaves (after asking permission to rake and take their leaves!) and then bring them home to our front lawn and dump them out and jump in them. The leaves would spread wider and wider and Teagan would ask for the rake and I'm sure she would have even skipped dinner to stay outdoors and jump and play awhile longer. We moved from this home across town after the snow fell and as I looked at these pictures I realized Teagan never got to jump in the leaves at our "new" house.
I never would have imagined as I took this picture that this would be the last time I would capture Teagan on film playing in the leaves. I know I have looked at these pictures and wished for these moments back again. It happens every year. If you want to know the truth, it can happen anytime. It often does. Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will likely say the same thing I am writing here today. The "wishing" never ends.
There are moments I wish I had back. Moments I wish I could re-live. There are moments I wish I could do over. There are moments I wish I could freeze and never let them go. It's a part of grief that just is. The wishing. It never ends. A part of my heart will always be reserved for "wishing", however the other part of my heart knows there's something so intense and incredible about the "here". The now is to not be taken lightly, although I somehow lose sight of this fact all too often.

Yesterday as I reflected and rediscovered the brilliance of the changing colors of fall, I also was 'present enough' to grab the camera and capture the now. Crew is walking and becoming a little boy before my eyes. He is changing almost everyday! The other 4 kids are so full of energy too, but happen to be away at school and therapy more than he does, thus he gets in the pictures more often. But I still want to take note of these moments. I certainly could wish back a lot of moments from the past. The truth is I could very easily allow myself to get stuck in the wishing and wanting them back. I have found that when the "wishing" hits me, it can serve as a reminder to open my eyes to today. To the very moments I have right now.

There's something so amazing about giving my child a hug while thinking, "this feels so great and is truly a gift and someday I will wish for this moment back", as it happens. Or watching Crew take his wobbly steps and noticing the next day he has gotten faster and sturdier overnight and right then I know that I have been witness to yet another moment of wishing.

The changing colors of the season do make me miss Teagan so much and wish for a part of my simple life back. But it also colors my life in a way that helps me take on a new focus- one that sharpens the present and makes me feel very grateful for what I hold in my hands today.

The wishing.

Heartache and Joy.

Their story has touched me since we first swapped emails a few years ago. I have invited you, my friends, to pray several times for Jaymun and his family. Today Jaymun is healed and in Heaven. But his family will need our prayers more than ever.
I invite you to pray and sign his guest book if you are so inclined. My heart aches for them and rejoices at the same time. They will see Jaymun again. But in the meantime, their journey is far from over. Thanks for caring. And praying. I know they appreciate it.

Nearing 1000.

I actually made something crafty today. And played around with a new banner to wish you all a Happy Autumn. The sun is out and it's {finally!} the kind of fall day I really like- crisp and relaxing.

Are you ready for some fun around here this week? This is post #997, so I was thinking that since it's so close to 1000, I should have a little giveaway. Just leave your name and either how you know me or where you live (city/state or town/country). I'll get some goodies together and then have a drawing. I might even pick 2 winners. Who knows. =)

But I promise it will be fun. And for those of you who like Starbuck's I have a hunch there may be a giftcard involved. So say hello here and cross your fingers that your number will be picked in the next few days!

Some great suggestions...

This morning as I turned to the October 9th reading in the book Simple Abundance- A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach it was such a great list full of good ideas to strive for in regards to coping with stress. Maybe some of the things on this list are things that you need to work on, refine, and implement in your life too. I know I'm not perfect and unless you are, there is sure to be something to strike a chord with you too. Enjoy these suggestions and good luck as you seek to become more of who you are meant be today.
Oct. 9- Coping with Stress
Is there a woman alive who doesn't suffer from stress? If there is, seek her out, ask her to share her wisdom. When you find her, I'd be willing to bet she'll offer the following suggestions:
Cultivate gratitude.
Carve out an hour a day for solitude.
Begin and end the day with prayer, meditation, reflection.
Keep it simple.
Keep your house picked up.
Don't overschedule.
Strive for realistic deadlines.
Never make a promise you can't keep.
Allow an extra half hour for everything you do.
Create quiet surroundings at home and at work.
Go to bed at nine o'clock twice a week.
Always carry around something interesting to read.
Breathe- deeply and often.
Move- walk, dance, run; find a sport you enjoy.
Drink pure spring water. Lots of it.
Eat only when hungry.
If it's not delicious, don't eat it.
Be instead of do.
Set aside one day a week for rest and renewal.
Laugh more often.
Luxuriate in your senses.
Always opt for comfort.
If you don't love it, live without it.
Let Mother Nature nuture.
Don't answer the telephone during dinner.
Stop trying to please everybody.
Start pleasing yourself.
Stay away from negative people.
Don't squander precious resources: time, creative energy, emotion.
Nuture friendships.
Don't be afraid of your passion.
Approach problems as challenges.
Honor your aspirations.
Set achievable goals.
Surrender expectations.
Savor beauty.
Create boundaries.
For every "yes", let there be a "no".
Don't worry; be happy.
Remember, happiness is a living emotion.
Exchange security for serenity.
Care for your soul.
Cherish your dreams.
Express love every day.
Search for your authentic self until you find her.

While I don't agree with every single thing on this list, nor does it seem possible to put them all into practice in my life, I think there are some worthy goals and great suggestions on it. Seeking ways to be better is one step toward actually getting there; actually doing something is the next step!

Seasonal inspiration.

I have seen these velvet pumpkins on several different sites/blogs in the past week (photo credit to Indie Rocket here). Since they are so pretty and unique and making me wish I had some or could make some of my own, I thought I'd post them here too. I love that the colors are so non-traditional- no golds or oranges to be seen, and yet they somehow say autumn in a really big way.
Besides velvet pumpkins, I also have this thought on my mind today- one I heard on the radio and have no idea who to loosely quote or attribute credit to, but I'll share it nonetheless. The thought is this:
When you suddenly find that your world is upside-down, maybe it's not really upside-down at all, but in fact, right-side up. It may be that you need a change in perspective!
Isn't that a neat way to put it?! I know I have been there too many times in my life to count anymore- living at times as though the world is against me and feeling desparate to try to gain the upperhand or take back control and "flip" things back the way I want them to be. I know how life can turn so suddenly and leave me feeling helpless and scared and frustrated and depressed, even. I have to remind myself that just because something doesn't feel right or line up with the way I would choose things to go in life, means that I'm on the wrong path. It means I need to refocus. Or reallign myself with the way God is leading and directing in my life.
It's so hard to try to live in the moment and yet "see the bigger picture" at the same time, isn't it? That's what I feel like I am struggling with most in my life/heart right now. No, life isn't upside-down for us at this time, but I sometimes need to be prepared for what lies ahead. Perspective, can indeed, change everything!

Exciting stuff. =)

This is the sort of stuff going on in our lives and home right now. Ava learned how to make her own toast. Crew wishes he could. =) He took the top tray off his booster seat and put it on his head the other day. He had no clue there were noodles on his head. He just sat there smiling and making faces at us as we laughed and called him silly names like "Mr. Macaroni" and "Cheesehead". He walked about 4 or 5 steps from chair to couch this morning. It's exciting around here, I tell ya! Even if it does involve falling down or making a mess in the process. It's all part of an exciting life!

Going bananas. =)

Every time I go to the grocery store I have bananas on my shopping list. We eat a lot of them around here. Crew loves them now that he can eat small bites with his own little hands. The rest of us like them sliced on top of peanut butter toast, or on ice cream drizzled with chocolate and caramel, or even blended with yogurt and orange juice for a healthy smoothie. We like them lots of ways.
I'm thinking the next time I buy a fresh bunch of bananas I will turn them into choco-banana-pops like the picture you see here. (Find the recipe here.) Yum!
I'm also in the mood for French Toast after I saw this recipe from Bobby Flay- Peanut Butter and Banana Stuffed French Toast. Definitely worth trying!
If you've got a favorite recipe using bananas or something handmade/cute with monkeys on it, let me know. I'm in the mood for fun and goodness! Thanks!

Catching up and planning ahead.

Helloooooooooo... are you still there? Oh! Hi Mom. =)

Our days continue to just run from one to the next with a string of ordinary stuff to tie them all together. I don't quite have a routine established or predictable schedule, but I guess that's what keeps this mom on her toes. No day is the same as the one before, but not all that different at the same time. Funny how that works; it's the season of our lives right now!

I looked back and realized I never posted photos of Wyndham and Ava's first day of school. They are in the same kindergarten class this year and it is going very well. They both love their teacher and helpers and have activities that keep them learning and busy Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Wyndham comes home wiped out and ready to veg out in her room with a few videos. I snapped that picture of her in her room yesterday afternoon. Ava needs a nap, but fights it and somehow manages to get through the day without one. Crew continues to creep along furniture and take a couple of steps on his own as well. He still LOVES to climb the stairs and did that about 6 times yesterday. I am anxious for him to learn how to get down too. It will make my stress levels drop in half, I'm sure of that!

Bella is loving school and reading is one of her favorite subjects. She is enjoying reading to Ava and Wyndham at bedtime each night and in turn it's something the kids all have fun doing together.

Do you need some color in your life right now? If so, Ava and I spotted this cake and recipe online this morning and she has decided that she wants this cake on her next birthday. Which is in March- five and a half months away. Nothing like planning ahead, right?! I think we may have to make this cake before then too.

That sums things up around here for today anyway. We're definitely feeling the effects of fall around here as we awoke to cool temperatures- in the low 30's this morning! It's time to pull out the pumpkin recipes and electric blanket too. Some of my favorite things in life. Not much changes afterall...we like the simple things around here!

Same ol'... same ol'

Do you ever feel as though you are just coasting through life and the days sort of just blur together? That's how I feel right now. Actually for several weeks now. Not that it's a 'bad blur', but it just seems as though I find myself doing and saying the same things over and over. Whether it's bread-baking or bed-making or picture-taking, it all seems to just repeat itself from week to week.
That's probably part of the reason I don't blog all that often. I don't want to bore you all with the repetition- the same ol' stories and details and random thoughts I drum up. I have had some of you write me and say you don't care what I post- you simply enjoy new posts. Thanks for the encouragement. If you have something you'd like to hear or see here, let me know. I'm always willing to share my heart/mind on new topics.
This weekend I will be sharing part of my story- especially in regards to forgiveness- at a local church's women's event. I know it is fresh and new to those who have never met me. I hope that God continues to receive glory from my life. No matter how exciting my days may or may not be.
With that, I am off to do 3 loads of laundry today among other things. I also am looking for a fun/tasty/simple applecupcake recipe. If you've got one, feel free to share! Happy Thursday! =)

Simple and sweet.

The birthday boy and everyone else is asleep in their beds for the night. Today we celebrated Crew turning 1 and it was a low-key, mostly mellow day. Just enough fun and excitement so that everyone knew there was something special and different about the day, but simple enough that so Crew could enjoy it.

First off, Chip was up and gone early and ran his first half-marathon. He finished in 2 hours and 8 minutes and was very happy with that time. We didn't see his race, but we're proud of him and were glad to have him home for most of the rest of the day.

One of the hardest parts of throwing a birthday party for a one-year old- the youngest of 6 kids- is that he really didn't need any new 'stuff'. However, one of his gifts was a waffle maker that makes farm-shaped waffles and it was a big hit with Crew and all the other kids too. Our waffle maker recently quit working after 14 years and after our recent trip to the local dairy farm this just seemed fun and fitting. Crew loves waffles. Even better than that was the fun he had climbing on and over the box. Isn't that how it always is with little kids! They love the box 10 times more than what's in it! =)

Later on I made Crew a birthday hat and as you can see from these photos, he didn't like it as much as I had hoped he would. In one of the pictures I think he is saying, "It's my birthday... get this thing off od me right now!"

I also had plans for some cute letters spelling out his name for the cake, but when this Elmo card came in the mail from Grandma and Grandpa, well, it just seemed suited to be used as a cake topper. Crew was thrilled with the cake- even though you can't sense his excitement from these pictures. He's had a thing for Reddi-wip since he was about 6 months old and had his first squirt straight out of the can. His eyes lit up as he watched us top his cake with whipped cream and then we let him sit and eat right off the cake for several bites after he (we) blew the candle out. He seemed very surprised that we would let him eat off the big plate. I was surprised at how little mess he made. He was very good about licking his fingers clean. =)

It's been a wonderful and challenging pleasure to have Crew join our family this past year. He has found a special place in all of our hearts.

I found myself thinking at different times during the day that at some point these moments that we shared and savored and enjoyed together will be moments I will recall in the future and I'll wish I could have them back. It's a good day- birthday or not- to realize what a gift the here and now truly is. It may not have been perfect or filled with lots of fanfare, but it was simple, sweet and a day to be treasured for years to come.

Happy Birthday, dear Crew. We're so glad that we have you in our lives to celebrate... today and always!

A quick game of peek-a-boo.

Crew initiated this round of peek-a-boo. Gotta love when a game doesn't leave small pieces lying all over the house. Bonus when the game is played next to a window with lots of natural light streaming in.