Nitty.Gritty.

Oh, Crew!

2012-02-06T12:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel like life is too much of a blur. Does that happen to you too?! I know so many of us are good at savoring the little things and many of you are good and/or eveb great at documenting so many of the moments that come and go, but I still find that I sometimes wish I could just freeze-frame life for even just a few hours.

This is our Crew...or Crewman as we often refer to him around here. He is still the one out of 6 kids that keeps us hopping more than any other. He is still so strong-willed and demanding and he has mood swings that make our heads spin from morning til night each and everyday.

But once in awhile he flashes his big-eyed, huge smile my way and I can't help it- he melts my heart and I feel that thing inside that literally would attempt to swim across an ocean for him. I feel that way for all of my kids. Especially when their little arms reach up for a hug, or when they pull you in for a kiss. I feel it when they beam at me with accomplishment- over something I have spent hours upon hours trying to help them learn.

That moment he was placed in my arms is one I still keep tucked in and stored as a treasure in my heart. It will be there forever. No matter how big he gets, no matter where he ends up living and spending his time when he's grown, and it will always make me feel like I am the lucky one. I know Crew is my busy, growing boy. And it is a privilege for me to be the one to watch and help him a little bit each day as he grows more and more into the person he was made to be all along.

{He's playing Cooking Mama in the picture above. He still LOVES to cook- in AND out of the kitchen.}

Oh Crew, we love you!

A family favorite.

2012-02-02T17:24:00.002-05:00

I figured since I am in recipe-posting mode from the previous post, why not post a family favorite {which a friend asked me for the other day} and share it with you. It's our tried and true recipe for homemade Buttermilk Waffles. This one comes from my mom too. That's her hand-written recipe in the picture. It is wrinkled and splattered and shows wear from use. That's how much we love this recipe at our house.
In fact, we are having them tonight. Breakfast for dinner...if I could convince my kids to eat breakfst for dinner every single night, I probably would. I love the ease of it and the fact that all my kids like breakfast food. It makes life easy to make meals like this.
To make these waffles, simple get a bowl and mix all ingredients well. But not too well. A few lumps and bubbles here and there is a good thing. Then heat a waffle iron to the toastiness you prefer and enjoy. Simple. Delicious.
Especially with a side of sausage or bacon or fruit and a nice frothy orange julius.
I might have to share that recipe with you next. =)

Time for some chocolate around here!

2012-01-30T14:55:00.002-05:00

You can thank me later for this recipe. Actually, you can thank my mom. A few weeks ago she came over and brought with her 2 things- a chocolate cake mix and an angel food cake mix. In just over one minute we had the above pictured dessert in front of us. My kids fell in love, and so did I. And I am not typically a big chocolate fan. Don't get me wrong, I do like good chocolate and melted chocolate with real whipped cream is even better. But given the choice, I will choose vanilla over chocolate almost every time.
But this cake? This cake is a must in your recipe file.
So put those two items on your next grocery list- a chocolate cake mix and an angel food cake mix and be prepared to fall in love with the deliciousness of this easy, EASY dessert!
It goes together like this:
Place both cake mixes into a bowl and stir them up. Next, grab a coffee cup. Get one that's a little on the large size- not your china tea cup. Pour 1/3 cup of the dry cake mixture into your mug. No greasing required. Add 3 tablespoons of water and stir it up a bit. Got it so far...cake mix and water in a mug. Now, if you want you can add in some chocolate chips or peanut butter cups or nuts or whatever you like to mix into your cake. I like 60% cacao Ghiardelli chips myself. So toss them in or skip that part if you don't have any mix-ins and place your mug in a microwave for 75 seconds.
When it beeps, you can eat this cake straight out of the mug, or spoon it out onto a plate or bowl. This is where the whipped cream comes into play if you like that dort of thing too. I do. It's my favorite part. Next to the melted chocolate and hot, fluffy cake. =)
It is seriously that easy, delicious and probably not the best thing for your New Year's diet resolution. But it is a really great recipe to know, keep on hand and really fun to enjoy alone or with a group of people. I have not tried it with cake other than chocolate, but the kids and I think it would be fun to try with Red Velvet mix, Classic Yellow and even Funfetti.
I guess there have been different versions of this floating around the web. I haven't seen them myself, but if you know any good links, leave them in the comments here. Also, a few people have asked about finding me on Pinterest. You can do a search under "people" and type in my name with no spaces: jodyferlaak. You should find my account. I plan to 'pin' this recipe for a few friends who have asked about it.
Chip was gone for 4 days this past week to Orlando, FL for the PGA Show. The last thing I made him add to the grocery list were two cake mixes before he left. Turns out you don't miss someone being away quite so much when you can enjoy this cake- fresh and hot. Oh. And when your mom comes to stay with you for 3 of the 4 days too. =) Thanks, Mom!!

I'm not an expert on the topic, but I do have lots of thoughts on it...

2012-01-26T10:45:00.003-05:00

Suffering. I am writing about my thoughts on suffering today. I must first thank all of you who were so kind and encouraging in my last post to leave me comments inviting me to keep sharing on this blog- even if my stories aren't so happy and carefree and always positive around here. My intent in sharing what I do has never been to simply share the "good stuff" or to leave everyone feeling inspired and moved in some way. But I have always intended to "keep it real"...to tell it like it is. I hope that Nitty.Gritty. is a place where whoever stops to read goes away at least thinking about something meaningful. Whether that is through my favorite buttercream recipe, or through tales about my kids, or even through painful things I have lived through, I just hope that this place can be less about "fluff" and more about real life.

So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me just be me, and for actually caring enough to stop by here on occasion and leave me notes telling me how Nitty.Gritty. has touched your life. It means so very, very much to me... and yes, it even inspires me to want to share more. SO thank you for that. All of you!

Today I write to you about suffering. Now believe me when I say that I don't call myself an expert on this topic. Nor do I believe that I have had "my share of suffering", as though we all have to have a certain dose of it in life or reach a quota and then we get a badge or award or a "get-out-of-jail-free card" to use when life throws us our next curve ball. I do, however, feel like I have had a certain degree of trials and tests that many in this world will never know or feel or understand, and to that end it has caused me to think on the topic and ask lots of questions about it- thereby giving me "material" to draw on when I sit down and pen my thoughts.

This post is me penning some of my thoughts. On suffering.

Dictionary.com describes suffering as enduring pain, injury, distress, loss or anything unpleasant- being subjected to it and or tolerating it, patiently or willingly.

So there you have it.

If I simply take the definition of suffering I can overwhelmingly announce, "yes, I've suffered." I think every single person can identify with pain, distress or loss- whether it is physical or otherwise. I think it's important to note that I write out of this understanding- that each of us has suffered in our own way and I never want to over-emphasize my suffering, or minimize the suffering of another. But I still feel like I have something to say on the topic which might speak to one or more of you in however you need to "hear" it.

It's no secret that I have been stressed and struggling in many areas of life for a long while now. Every time I feel like I am starting to get back on my feet or seeing a light at the end of a tunnel or finding a way to 'create my own Joy' it seems as though some force comes along to knock me down and out again. I will be the first to admit that I am not very good or a very willing subject to this force each time it comes a-knockin'. I have gotten progressively less patient- with myself and others, less optimistic, less tolerant, less enthusiastic, less funny, less creative, less initmate, less friendly, less joyful and less a whole lot of other not so good things too. But let me just leave it at that for now. I am making myself feel terrible just writing out all the bad stuff I have let the hurts in my life bring out of me. The truth is that I sort of feel like every time something "good" is about to or does happen in my life, or every time I make a huge effort to be better than the "bad", to me it feels like things go from bad to worse. It's like the hardships in life don't just come and go, like they used to, but rather they keep piling up- one on top of the other. I think I've mentioned it here before, that sometimes I feel like I am just treading water, rather than swimming freely and truly loving or enjoying or getting the most out of life. I am also aware that there are lots of variables that come into play in my life- including the ages and stages of my children and the added demands of Wyndham's special needs coupled with a bunch of other things and it sort of has just been a long, hard "season" of life for our family the past couple of years. I get that.

I also write from a place where I feel like I have lived and learned some ultra-important lessons in life about appreciating what I have; I have a deep sense of perspective and insight about even our next breath not being guaranteed to us in life and so I should embrace the here and now like never before. I am keenly aware that life can and often does change in an instant...and I always get that things could be much worse. So much worse.

So I write from that place when I write about suffering. My thoughts lately have been more along the lines of not "why" do we suffer in this world. I fully believe there are lots of different reasons why and I fully believe that because of the original sin we live in a broken, fallen world which leaves every single one of us vulnerable to pain and suffering. So it's not so much the reason why that I think about, but rather about the actual suffering itself.

I posted a couple of pictures here today- one is a picture I took out my living room window the other day. It's a huge house that sits just feet behind our current place up on top of a hill. Crew calls it "the castle" and I have to admit I have wondered about the people who live there. I wonder what they do for a living- if they even have to work at all. I wonder if they have kids, or grandkids. I wonder if they love their castle, or if they would rather sell this home and live somewhere else. It's a beautiful, big house. But it doesn't mean that the people that live there don't have struggles or problems in life. Well, maybe they don't. =) I don't know for sure. But I do know that sometimes what we "see" on the outside doesn't mean that it's picture perfect on the inside. Tiger Woods is a modern day example of that- someone seemingly having everything going for you- when in reality your world can fall apart overnight.

So there's a picture of the castle. Then there is a picture of an online acquaintance of mine, Ashley of lilblueboo.com. She is an all-around picture of "perfection" according to the picture that many of us paint in our minds of perfection. Meaning that she is young, beautiful, creative, talented, driven, married to Mr. Hottie with a great smile all his own, and she has an adorable little girl to round out this picture we often paint in our minds. Her life is one to envy in almost every single way.

Except for recently.

Her dad died unexpectedly last spring. Shortly after that she experienced a miscarriage. Then, as if she wasn't going through enough suffering- physically and emotionally- she found out she has cancer.

She is in the middle of her battle right now. And although hundreds of other people are in the same battle, she seems to be facing it with a certain Joy and grace that many others lack. I have followed her story, prayed and sent messages of encouragement to her. You would be blessed by reading her story and cheering her on too.{There is a way to get more involved with her story here too!}

She has touched me through the computer screen.

And the part that has touched me is not that she has everything going 'right'... but precisely the fact that so much is going 'wrong' and yet she persists. She smiles. She seems to make the "suffering look easy". I've written about that here at Nitty.Gritty. in previous posts too. So the part about suffering that makes me wonder is this- maybe it's not the why's of suffering, but the definition of suffering that needs to be examined.

I have been asking God to show me what He wants me to learn from the hard lessons I feel I've been going through. I have been praying that maybe He could ease some of the burdens I have been carrying in life so that I could live 'freely' again. I have prayed and prayed that He might bring about the feeling of joy I used to feel and thinking that certainly it must be in the easing of my suffering that I would find that joy again.

But instead, I am beginning to think that maybe it is in accepting that my definition and God's definition of suffering are two totally different things. I know He could hand me the keys to a "castle" free of pain and suffering if He so wanted to. But that doesn't mean it would be the best way for me to learn lessons in life that clearly I still need to learn. I'm talking about that long, nasty list of not-so-hot things about me. Things like needing to love more, to like more, to be patient more, to be accept more, to try harder, to be better, to be gracious more, to be intimate and share myself more, to laugh more, to accept less when needed too, and lots of other refining I need in so many, many areas of my life.

Realizing that God's picture of suffering and my picture of suffering are worlds apart is probably one step toward becoming not only more joyful in life, but more in step with the character He is trying to mold me to be- through, ironically, what I term "suffering".

I am absolutely aware- even as I glance outside my back window and see a "castle" every single day, that even what I call suffering in life doesn't begin to compare with what millions of people in this world wake up to and suffer through every day. I am fully aware that I have so much more than most of the people of this world will ever know. I am thankful and grateful for all that I have. Yet, ashamedly, I have found myself wishing I had less baggage and more ease in life. I think God might just be trying to speak to me through the very castle He has placed in my backyard. I can't know what life holds in that castle- just as Ashley cannot know what life holds for her each time she has another round of chemo. Our sufferings may be very real to us. But I am starting to wonder if I could just catch a glimpse of them from God's point of view, maybe I could see how very, very small they are. And how very, very big He is. And the faith that has wavered in my heart might waiver a bit less as I recognize that He has this all in His hands. He has a plan and a purpose and reasons that can spin my suffering and all the world's suffering and turn them into things of beauty and even pleasure. He is that capable, and that amazing.

So, I hope that maybe, even with all this long rambling, that just maybe some of my tiny thoughts on the subject of suffering might shed a tiny bit of light on something one of you reading here is going through. Just maybe God can take my words and use them to touch you in a different way. Just maybe God can take the current suffering and pain that Ashley is going through and use it to change someone's life- whether it be the way they look at life and how they approach a pain or that they decide to "Choose joy" because they see the beauty of that in Ashely's fight.

I do not have the answers to suffering. But I do think, deep in my heart, that God might be using a little bit of suffering in my life to do something I would never have thought of on my own. That only proves my point. What I call suffering in my life, might very likely be termed mercy or grace since it comes from Him. And that, my friends, is a very, very good thing.

If I never blog again, this is why...

2012-01-17T23:09:00.003-05:00

No. I didn't get a makeover and now I look like a pink-haired Katy Perry. But I did consider growing my hair out and trying the look for a few brief moments over the weekend. Chip even gave me the green light to go for it. But instead, I got my hair cut today, so this look will have to wait.

The real news is that I finally caved in to all the friends I see posting things and linking inspiring food, clothing, home decor, crafty projects, great quotes, flowing wedding gowns and a million other things that they see and love, and I got myself a Pinterest account. I am sure that most of you already know about, have a thousand pins and spend all your free time adding to your boards or browsing others. If you don't know what it's about, you are in for a treat. Or you are in for giving up free time that you would normally have for things like cooking dinner, folding laundry, reading kids bedtime stories, showering and anything else you can squeeze out of your normal schedule in order to spend more time on this site.

Between Face Book, mothering 6 kids, maintaining a rental home, marriage and now Pinterest, it's going to be a feat for me to update this blog at all. =)

Really though, I have to admit that I struggle with wondering what I should write and share here anymore. Years ago when I started Nitty.Gritty. I had fewer kids, lots of pictures and stories to tell- old and new, as well as the naivity that my family and friends would want to read my stories and see the pictures I posted too. The fact is, most of my family and friends no longer check in on this blog and those of you who do, I am not even certain why you read or keep coming back. There has been a huge shift in my happiness level the past couple of years, the stories seem to be the same ones I tell, just in slightly different ways. And well, the photos are fewer and farther between. Especially now that we've moved and I can't find my camera cord, so I am left with pictures snapped from my cellphone.

I sort of chuckle at my own self thinking that someone might actually miss me if I'm gone too long. I had high hopes of resurrecting my frequent posting here this year. And then Pinterest came along. I am actually hoping to do some of the fun/cute/interesting projects I've seen on the site and I hope that maybe getting some of my creativity back may help my happiness level jump a few notches at the same time too.

Life has not been as fun for me lately. But I am going to try with all my might to put a spin on it if I have to and bring back some Joy. Not because I have any more free time or energy, but because I truly believe that it's been missing far too long and I am finally saying, "I've had enough". The pits are only so fun for so long. The dark days don't breed light on their own. I know that because we've been sitting in them for awhile now and I am realizing I haven't been living out so much of what I have written and posted about through the years. I was reading some "old" posts here and literally found myself saying, "I wish I was more like that!" And the "that" is me...so I have some changing to do! I am feeling ready for change. Ready for light. Ready for Joy.

Ready for more Nitty.Gritty.

The good, the bad and hopefully some fun and inspiring in between.

If you see me with pink hair in the next few months, you'll know I am starting to find my way back to the happiness that my heart has longed for. And if it stays the way it is, I still hope that I will find happiness and fullness of life even so. If I never blog again, something has gone awry.

Because I love blogging and I hope to never fully give up on Nitty.Gritty.

Even if the rest of you do. =)

On the eve of another big day...

2012-01-04T00:10:00.002-05:00

I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

With or without.

2012-01-02T20:56:00.003-05:00

It is the start of yet another year. How 365 days seem to speed up and turn into a new year faster than the year before is the biggest surprise to me right now. I wonder if that keeps happening year after year, or if at some point it goes back to feeling a little slower-paced. Time will tell, I suppose.
So here we are- in 2012 and all it's freshness and possibility. Yes, I am in a new place back in my "home" state and feeling as though there are almost too many things starting over for me and my family all at once. From new schools, to trying to learn our way around a new grocery store, to setting up rooms and looking forward to meeting and making new friends. It's so much at once. If you know me in person you know I don't like change all that much. Sure, I love when Starbuck's offers a few new flavors on their latte menu. I like it when I get new shoes and they fit just right. I like watching my kids learn new things and try new foods. But beyond some of those things, I like things predictable and comfortable. Tried and true. I like knowing what to expect and when to expect it. I'm not nearly as adventurous as I look. =)
Right now, when I open the door to our garage, all I see is boxes and stuff stacked on top of more stuff. So much stuff that I feel practically overwhelmed with the task of finding things I still need and would like to use {or wear} right now. It's not for lack of space that our stuff is still piled high at this point. But more because, well one reason is that 6 out of 8 of us ended up with the flu bug the past few days. That did little to help the cause of getting us more settled in this place. It did give our washer and dryer a major workout. But I could have done without that right now. =)
It's more about me realizing in a big, big way that, while I knew we had too much "stuff", it was easy to just live without that knowledge and just let the closets get more and more filled at our last place. {Which, we are hoping will land some buyers as soon as possible. If you know anyone who wants a great family home near Muskegon, MI, send them this link. I'll send you some cupcakes as a return favor!}
So, as I was typing, in our last home I knew we had more than we needed. I had wanted to clean and have garage sales and donate nice things and give stuff away more times than I did. I knew the closets and shelves were filling up with all sorts of things. What I didn't realize is how much effort it takes to go through all of that stuff and sort it to try to decide what we need, what we want, what will be worth holding onto, and what we should simply let go of and be better off in so doing.
It's a big job to have a garage filled to the brim and have to determine what stays and what goes. Losing Teagan has made me hold onto things I might otherwise never have wanted to keep. Haveing kids from 16 months to almost 13 years old also makes for having a lot of stuff. There are games and toys and bikes and beds spanning all those years. That's a lot of gear to have to store and yet we use most of it too.
So as this year kicks off I am finding that I need to keep it as simple as I can. I am working on sorting through boxes of stuff and asking simply of each thing, "Can we do without this? Or do we need this?" I hope that I can actually make a dent in at least one small corner by the end of this week. Big jobs need to be scaled down, so I am hoping to not lose heart and just take it one box at a time.
I hope that come next year I will have learned that a life lived simply and with a whole lot less stuff can be just as satisfying and even more rewarding and fulfilling as the life where I filled up all the spaces I could. Wish me luck and I am crossing my fingers that we can stay healthy for awhile too. The flu bug is one thing I have determined I could definitely live without!
Happy New Year to everyone of you who reads and prays and laughs at us and with us each step of the way that I share here with you. I hope you have a year of learning, growing, whittling down and living more intentionally. May each of us become better in at least one small way!

Our new adventure has begun.

2011-12-26T14:11:00.002-05:00

Merry day after Christmas and hello again to anyone who still drops by here to keep tabs on me and my family! We are settling in to the home you see pictured above, in Minnesota. There is no snow on the ground- which is nearly unheard of this time of year- and we are renters at the moment, hoping and praying our home back in Michigan will sell soon.

It has been a very long 5 weeks of packing and driving and unpacking and saying goodbyes and hellos and throwing in some celebrations for Christmas all at the same time. The good news is that I think the worst is over. The bad news is there is still a 3-car garage filled with boxes for us to sort and go through as we make this new place our home for now. The kids are all doing very well. They are excited to be in a new neighborhood; they love their new rooms and the layout of this house; and we are within an hour driving distance to my parents and many of our cousins too. So although it has been an intense (to say the least!!) month to get to this point, we are thankful that God has opened the door for us to be where we are and we are anxious to have this feel like home.

We will miss so many friends back in Michigan and are thankful for internet and ways to stay in touch so that it doesn't feel like there are that many miles between us all. We have lots to do- including getting the kids enrolled in school, setting Wyndham up with doctors and therapists, and even re-taking the MN road test in order to get proper licenses for this state. It seems like a never-ending list of things to do, but we are happy that so far we have stayed healthy and even had some moments of fun in between the major moments of stress during this major move. I look forward to being back to blogging and I hope the posts are not so few and far between.

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. From me and my Nitty.Gritty. family, we wish you the very best in the coming New Year too!

Standard of measurment~

2011-11-17T14:03:00.003-05:00

{Click for larger photos, if you like.}
I have to tell you something about me. Maybe some of you know it already. Maybe some of you have seen this particular issue I struggle with in person. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.
It's that little thing called self-image.
You know... the way we see ourselves.
Well, the truth is I don't always have a nice picture of myself in my head. I don't always feel inside like the person others sometimes see on the outside.
I honestly can pinpoint certain times in my life and events that really shaped- or should I say 'mis-shaped' the person I am.
It certainly didn't come from my parents. Or my extended family or even close friends. Nope. Those people have loved me for who I am and have been for my whole life. My parents always made me feel that I was unique, important and most assuredly let me know they loved me and God loved me. From the earliest age I have memories I already knew I was loved.
I was even likable and funny most of my school years.
But in middle school I most remember not liking myself. I was a great student. I was a class clown in a lot of my classes. But I was slightly chubby for my height. I was almost always the shortest kid in my classes and certainly felt "bigger" than a lot of the pretty girls I went to school and church with. My older sister was always- ALWAYS- taller and thinner than me. Even if I went on more walks than her.
It was hard not to compare myself to other kids around me...and you know what? It sometimes still is hard for me to not compare myself to others. Thankfully I have grown up a lot, matured a little bit (what? I have!), and learned to love me for who I am. All grown up.
But there are lots of areas besides my weight, height and hair color that I can compare myself to others- things like how big my house is; are my kids happy like other kids? Do my spouse and me have as much time or fun or happiness as other married friends do? And the list goes on and on.
We live in a world that loves to compare and contrast. It loves to measure people by monetary standards, and happiness standards and success standards and... I think you know. If someone can measure or compare it, it happens. Whether consciously or subconsciously. We stack our stuff- our bodies and looks and pocketbooks and families and divorce rates and home values and whatever we have or are gets put on some sort of scale.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed as a mom of 6 kids at home, that I have to shield my young kids, or at least be responsible for the pressures they feel or will feel to "measure up" in this world. I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that I know I can never be big enough to lift. I just don't have enough power or ability to keep the messages and comparisons that inevitably will come their way at bay. The media is a big source for many of us for setting our measurement "standards". It's why advertising does or doesn't work that well.
Where am I going with all of this anyway? I'm not 100% sure, but I will say this...I think it's a big deal and I really wish it wasn't. I will say that I have gotten much better and more realistic about my standards of measurements over the past several years too. I feel very lucky and blessed to be married to a husband who loves me at size 6 just as much as size 16. He loves me when I make waffles too many nights a week for dinner just as much as when I make Greek Spaghetti. I am lucky to have been raised and loved by family, friends and to know that God sees me as lovable and worthy ALL THE TIME.
I feel lucky and blessed that I don't have to wonder about my self worth. I know nothing can make me a better person- things like plastic surgery or a new pair of shoes or owning the biggest diamond with the highest degree of clarity. I know that "stuff" can't change who I am and should never be the standard for which I try to measure up.
I guess I am pouring out my heart on the subject because sometimes it seems like we need reminders in life about these sorts of things. I am writing to remind myself. I am writing because as Thanksgiving approaches I want to be conscious and grateful of things that truly ARE blessings in life. And not just making a check-list of things I am grateful to have. I don't want to create a spreadsheet to document the things that society seems to want us to measure our worth by.
These thoughts come in large part to our upcoming move and all the details that we are working on right now. Things like de-cluttering and looking at our next house and the schools our kids will go to and just being mindful that even though I don't cook the best meals, or keep the neatest house, or even have nice family photos taken with just the right amount of natural sunlight and flare in them doesn't add or take away any of my worth or the worth of anyone around me.
I want to look at myself and like me for me. No.
I want to love me for me. For those scars I blogged a few posts ago. For the trials that I have endured and yet somehow have still managed to find ways to smile and love in life again. I want the people around me to know the real me. And love that paerson too. Not just the one they see with make-up on and seems to have it all together. I want my kids to know I love them- no matter their test scores or if they can even walk a flight of stairs or use the potty by themself. I want them to know that our standard of measurements are different than the ones they will likely encounter in the world. I want everyone to know that God loves each of us- not because we are perfect- but because we are imperfect and we recognize we need Him in order to be complete.
Whatever it is that you feel inadequate about today, I hope that you will pause and take a look in the "right mirror" and see if maybe you are judging to harshly. I am ready and feel like I am on a path of feeling more free, more happy and more ready to let go of needing to measure up. In lots of areas of my life. I'll never be the tallest or prettiest or smartest or richest or lots of other things. But I know that I can still be the best me I was made to be.

Straight out of a book.

2011-11-11T13:16:00.002-05:00

Sometimes its like life comes straight out of a book at my house. Yesterday it looked like this- the Oh, David! baby board book. We keep child-proof latches on our cupboards because of the age and stage Teague is at in life. The stage where everything in life is pretty much a science experiment and nothing has yet been discovered. His curious nature and lack of fear make for one busy little guy with a whole big world and endless opportunities to learn how things work. He is at the stage where everyday he wants a little bit more independence and feels fully capable of doing things all on his own. Even if they are out of reach, out of the question, or out of line. He doesn't care. If he can find a way, he is happy to do so.
So after he had already eaten breakfast, he was happy playing and discovering things in the living room. I was around the corner straightening my bedroom. The three older kids were all home from school due to parent-teacher conferences. It seemed as though the morning was off to a nice, leaisure start.
And then I heard a crinkle and a crumple and the sound of little bitty pieces on the wood floor. I took a few steps out into the kitchen and found Teague holding the Yogurt Cheerios with a twinkle in his eye at the same time. He seemed rather proud that he had discovered the latch undone on the cupboard that is 99% of the time latched shut. It was like hitting the toddler lottery. A couple of the kids came running to see what the noise had been...and they stopped dead in their tacks. Then they looked from him to me. I proceeded to say, "Uh-oh, Teague." Then I went and got my phone and snapped a few photos of the mess. By that time Teague was already squatting down and in true kid-fashion, he was picking out the pink yogurt-covered ones and eating them as though this is how we always eat our Cheerios. Off of the floor.
Crew came over and joined the fun and Ava helped me sweep and clean up. Brock wanted to know how it was that I was "staying so cool about it".
I told him that sometimes moms are better about being moms than other times. Teague had dumped out the cereal on a good day. =) But truthfully, I said, there was a time in my life when Daddy and me had sat in a house that had just a couple of weeks earlier been noisy, chaotic, a little bit stressful and had Cheerios and toys all over the floor that felt like a never-ending task of cleaning. But suddenly we were sitting there looking at each other hearing nothing but my quiet sobs and wishing upon every wish of our hearts that someone would come bounding into the room making too much noise and spilling Cheerios on the floor.
Here I was. More than 10 years after having such a wish on my heart and it was happening exactly the way I remember wishing it would. Only instead of Teagan, Brock or Wyndham spilling the cereal, it was my little Teague. My healthy, thriving, trouble-making, mess-making, lovable Teague.
I absolutely mess up more times than I can count as a mom. Every single day. But I also know that I absolutely appreciate the messes that do happen and the memories they trigger and the reminders that come to surface in the midst of the mess. They are moments to recognize that messes can be cleaned up, kids are learning and in the end, Cheerios on the floor are still a part of my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
Even when they are scattered all over the floor.
Sometimes my life looks like it could be straight out of a book. It doesn't look much like a fairytale, but the storyline and characters fill my heart. They keep my hands busy too. I feel blessed that sometimes I do keep my cool and just take in the moment. I will wish this one back someday too. Teague went on to re-enact a few other pages out of this board book later on in our day. I just kept my cool. It was a good book day all-around. =)

It's going to be a major move...

2011-11-05T22:12:00.002-04:00

Hello to so many new friends and readers coming here from Casey's blog. I am so encouraged and grateful for the notes you have sent me and how many of you have been touched by the story of Teagan that she shared with you. Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope that you know in "real life" we are a fairly typical family with lots of ordinary days and activities just like you. We are sometimes awed how God uses our shortcomings and failures and even trials and tough times to make Himself more known to us and others through us. We definitely lean on Him and look to Him for guidance and so far we have had quite a ride in life.
It's about to take us a bit west again...all the way "home" to Minnesota from our current home here in west Michigan. Chip was recently offered and just accepted a position at Northfield Golf Club, so we will be packing everything here and moving 8 of us and all that stuff to where the orange arrow is pointing. We are so excited to be moving closer to so many of our family and friends again, although we have made some wonderful friends and been very loved and supported here in Michigan. We will miss all our friends here, but we know that God is opening this door for us and we are anxious to see how life is going to look for us in a new place. All this will happen by Christmas, so let's just say we have a lot of work to do between now and then. I probably should be packing something right now! =)
Anyway, if any of you readers- old or new- are in the area, I just might have to have a real life Nitty.Gritty. chat session to see who you all are once everything gets settled and I find a couple of hours of free time. That would be so much fun! As you must know then, this blog may get even more quiet than normal, and if that's the case you'll know I am buried under bozes somewhere, or trying to empty them out. I love the idea of decluttering and starting fresh in a new home again...but honestly, I could very well do without the hassle of packing. Wish me luck. Wish all of us luck and I bet I will have a few good stories to share with you all soon!

Remembering scars as we face an unknown future...

2011-11-02T13:26:00.004-04:00

None of us knows what the future holds. We can plan, we can prepare, we can take control of our finances and set aside time and energy for tasks we have to accomplish and we can set goals and pour all of our energy into reaching them and making them our reality. But the fact remains that none of us knows what the next moment, hour, day, week or year holds for us. Sometimes we are heading down one path when life suddenly takes us on a u-turn. Sometimes we feel like we have it planned out perfectly, and then life throws us the unexpected.

I have been thinking and praying for a young woman I've never met for a month now. October 1st, 2011 was the date that Samantha and her fiance, Chad, had chosen and dreamed and prepared for and been excited about for months. Tragically, less than 36 hours before their wedding day arrived, Chad along with Samantha's brother who was to be a groomsman in their wedding, were killed when the best man lost control of the SUV they were riding in and the vehicle crashed. I learned of this tragedy because Chip's golf club was to be the reception site for their wedding celebration. The families and communities were stunned and filled with sorrow at such a tragic event. I could only imagine how Samantha felt then, and now- one month later.

The dress that she so carefully selected and had fitted, I imagine just hung there bringing more tears as she looked at in light of her pain. Rather than be the dress of her dreams, it now represents shattered dreams and probably brings a flood of tears at a simple glance of it.

I have prayed and prayed for God to pour out His peace and comfort and mercy at this time when no person, no thing, no act can bring a comfort to her hurting heart and the hearts of the family and friends that surround her.

They are broken, grieving, scarred and hurting.

It got me thinking about the time in our lives when we too felt such sorrow, sadness and pain in our lives. I pulled out the above picture of Chip, which was taken about a week after our inital tragedy at the Old Depot- this was August 2001- the place was Hurley Hospital, Flint, Michigan. I had never seen Chip so wounded and scarred before. Just days earlier we were a happy, thriving family of 5 with a big, bright future ahead of us. We had no plans to be side-tracked by death, fractured ribs, brain injuries, internal trauma, muscle and nerve damage and hearts that would hold their own wounds from sorrow and loss.

Our life took a u-turn and we found ourselves in a world we never imagined or dreamed.

* * * * *

In my morning devotional today I read {and shared on my FB status} these words:

"It is God's presence that gives us true comfort, not the absence of affliction". There is such power and truth in that statement. Read it through once more, and let it sink in.

Do you believe that?

If you don't, do you believe that it could be true in your life somehow- sometime?

It can.

I am actually grateful to have the few photos that my mom snapped while we were "at our worst" physically and emotionally from our time in ICU. Seeing the pictures and scars and how tremendous our injuries were gives me a reality check. When I think back to this time in our lives I can still remember how much it "hurt". In every sense of the word. I have never felt more pain than during that time of our lives. But during those same long days and sleepless, painful nights and all the healing that had to take place to even be functional again, we both felt an overwhelming peace and comfort in our hearts that we had never experienced before. We never felt it when life was going splendid.

We felt it when our hearts and bodies were torn and we literally had our lives shattered by pain and grief.

God was there.

He never let us go.

In fact, He helped carry us when we had no strength of our own to keep us going. He held us together when we felt like falling apart and giving up. He poured out His mercy in our lives as we needed to draw on Him to be able to extend grace and forgiveness to the one who had brought us so much pain. He gave us Hope for our future and even laid it on my heart to want joy in life again.

I clicked through and pulled out a few pictures of how we look now. Our scars have healed quite nicely, with the exception of Wyndham's disabilities and ongoing needs. We have added 4 kids to our family since our tragedy struck. We have smiled and laughed again. We have known happiness, peace, comfort and joy.

But not because we had some supernatural abilities. But because of His power and strength that helped us move on. We have a future ahead of us that is filled with unknowns and unexpected events yet to come. I know that we can face them with peace and even with excitement, because we have seen the way God has already worked in our lives and we know that He will see us through whatever else may come our way.

I am so glad that God spared Chip's life and Brock's life and Wyndham's life and even my life, because through our scars and pain we have come to understand His healing powers that much more. We have learned firsthand that God doesn't abandon us when our hearts are torn and laid open with grief, but instead, that is the time when He gently picked us up and gave us new eyes to see Him and we felt His embrace like no other. His comfort was real then. I have faith and trust that it will be real as we walk forward too.

He is a God who loves, who protects, who turns mourning into dancing again.

My prayer is for this Samantha, to know this same grace, love, mercy and healing. And maybe one day she will look back or recall shattered, broken dreams- not with heartache and pain- but with the reality that God was big enough and gracious enough to turn it all into something beautiful that she never could have dreamed.

Maybe you are facing a future that scares you or maybe you are recalling a past filled with pain and "scars" of your own. My prayer for you is that you will call out to God and give your hurts and uncertainties to Him. He will never let you down and more likely than not, you will find that His plan blows you away. Our scars may always be with us to a certain degree...but our future is bright always. Because He is our eternity!

My little Superman...

2011-10-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

The past couple of nights I have been seemingly more aware than usual of just how big my little Superman is getting. If you could see this guy in action {Crew is recently turned 3} you would know that he is a very intense, funny, energetic- boardering on hyper, lovable boy. He gets his mind made up very easily and there is great challenge is changing his thinking. He wakes up bounding out of bed 9 days out of 10, and still needs to be practically wrestled into a good night's sleep most of the time too.
He has very delayed verbal skills...but "talks" almost non-stop.
He loves to do things himself...but constantly wants to keep up and do things like the "big kids" here at our house.
He eats mostly yogurt, granola, nuts, cereal, toast and fruit...but would be just as happy living on chocolate chips and brown sugar lumps if I allowed it.
He knows all his colors and shapes and the alphabet.
He also knows how to turn on a remote, satellite tv, laptop computers, Angry Birds on cellphones; he can operate the Wii, DSi Nintendo games and the dvd player.
But yet he still isn't fully potty-trained.

He does things his way and in his time. Almost all the time.
It sure makes for some interesting struggles and conversations and interactions among all parties living in our home.
But we love him like crazy and he knows it too.
So in light of all of that and more, as I tucked him in bed the last couple of nights and lay down next to him to whisper and sing and calm him as he fell asleep, I couldn't help but let my heart swell over the fact that he is mine right now. I know it will feel like he has grown up too soon and he'll be finding new love someday down the road.
I pray for his future wife and soul-mate and her family who is lucky to be raising her and feeling her love right now too.
But as he wrapped his little Superman jammie arm around my neck and pulled me closer to him so he could twist his fingers in my hair, it just made me want to soak it in and savor it even more.
I am humbled and feel lucky to be his first love. I am amazed that I get to be the one to feel his arms wrapped around my neck and know that he feels so secure in my arms too. I feel honored that God has allowed me to be one of the people in his life to have to understand his speech, guide and direct his energy and try to help him maneuver his way through the early years of life, growing and learning.
I'll be honest- I go to bed worn out more often than not because of this little guy in my life. But in the moments of quiet and calm and when he races toward me with arms open wide to hug and be hugged in the morning, my heart overflows with a love like no other. I am happy to be the mom to such an amazing little superhero. I will always love the way he has captured. I hope I never forget how it feels to be hugged to sleep by this little superman.

Five days a week this is what it looks like at our house...

2011-10-20T10:25:00.003-04:00

Wyndham gets her jacket on and Chip stops home to pick her up to take her to therapy. Teague gets a thrill out of seeing Daddy for a minute, demands a kiss, waves bye-bye and then keeps watch out the window until they are both completely out of sight.

Sometimes it seems like the "scenes" in my life will never change. I've been changing Wyndham's diapers for over 10 years now; that will likely never, ever change. She's had ongoing therapy {speech, physical therapy and occupational therapy, plus now, aqua therapy} ever since being discharged from the hospital in August of 2001. I don't foresee a change in that anytime soon either.

But the smiles she musters- even when she knows she is going to "do her work" and the persistence she has about always trying- even if she doesn't feel like it, those are things I don't think will ever change either. The fact that I get to be the one that she presses her hands against and the shoulders she leans on as she gets ready day after day today felt like a gift all over again. To know that she depends on me and looks to me and expects me to do the things she can't do for herself filled me not with a feeling of burden, or something to dread or feel pitiful about, but rather it feels like maybe this is the very thing I was created for.

Maybe it was Oprah's new show "Lifeclass" that triggered something in me for my heart to see with new eyes- even though I haven't even watched a single show. I've wondered about a "higher calling"- a greater purpose in my routine days for several years now. Today I was overcome with the thought that maybe in searching for something more, it's actually in accepting the way it is that therein lies my 'freedom'- my calling. In being less of me, I am more for someone else. In a small way it is what I think of when I imagine the hands of Mother Teresa as she held the wounded, the broken and the least of these. It was simply her presence that lifted others and made them "something". It was her willingness to sacrifice all that she became "great".

In that same- but obviously I'll never compete with the acts of such a woman- I am realizing that maybe, just maybe my being I am fulfilling more than I could ever know.

My being present.

My being love.

My being patient.

My being content.

My being baking cupcakes.

My being laundry lady.

My being disciplinary.

My being sorry.

My being content rather than seeking more.

My being open to routine, rather than feeling I need to create "splendor".

My being sensitive enough and compassionate enough and forgiving enough and hopeful enough and always willing to do or help or hold or clean or be leaned on. One more time.

Because that creates a safe place, a comfort zone, a reality for the ones who need me that there will always be enough of me for them and there will always be more for me to give when they hurt or want or need advice or feel like they are somehow missing their calling.

Maybe my calling is to be assurance to them. Or reassurance if need be.

Maybe a higher calling isn't as high as some of us are searching for. Maybe it is in being made low enough for others to grasp onto that we find that's exactly where we're made to be.

Today I feel more than I have ever felt in my life before, that my calling isn't something for me to attain, but my calling is to be a servant to others. That they might become more of who they were created to be.

When I pause and think about what an enormous task that is, I realize it is 'higher' than anything I've imagined I could be. Like the rock for someone else to stand on. Or the place for someone to fall and not get hurt. It's overwhleming to think that maybe my life's purpose is simply to help guide and shape the ones God has placed in my life so that they might become the fulfillment of themselves. It seems simple. But wow, let me tell you, the implications are enormous. I bow my head and lift the eyes of my heart and say to God, "Lord grant me what I need to do the task. To be the task. To meet the needs and dreams the way you would have me meet them."

Graciously, I hope and pray.

Happiness is warm laundry on a chilly day...

2011-10-18T22:39:00.002-04:00

I took pictures of something I have done lots and lots of times through the years. It's especially wonderful on days like the kind we had today- that start out in the 40's when you wake up and reach only into the low 50's for highs. That's chilly. It feels even cooler because we were spoiled with warmer temperatures than normal this past week. It definitely feels like fall outside now.

So my little laundry fun is well-received on days like today. As soon as a load of clothes is ready to come out of the dryer, I fill the basket and whichever kid(s) happens to be nearby they are treated to some warm laundry smothering. Today Teague was the lucky recipient. He got a blanket and Wyndham's dress wrapped around him and tossed on his head- which he promptly pulled off and laughed about.

I love to do this- and my kids all love it too- when they are just going to bed or have been settled in for a few minutes already. I love it when it's a load of bath towels too- all fluffy and fresh and piping hot. I grab the hot items out of the dryer and sometimes totally surprise them with a pile on their heads as they lay in their beds. Or sometimes I call them to come help me out for a quick minute. And when they show up I put Daddy's lounge pants and t-shirt on their heads. They laugh and scream and pull it off. And they always want more. It can get out of hand in a big hurry when one kid puts underwear on another one's head and the fun factor for that kid drops off suddenly. But the laughter and warmth and fun that comes from a dryer full of warm laundry is one I know they'll remember when they've grown and one I hope they don't outgrow too soon.

It's the little things.

I keep telling myself that.

I know it's not the things I do so right.

But the things I want them to feel good about. It's the things like laughter and seeing that even though you have to do stuff like laundry in life, you still have the choice to make it fun once in awhile. Or more than once in awhile. It's about knowing that seasons change and even with the 'cold' there is opportunity to feel warmth and create a bit of happiness along the way.

I can't help but think I'll always be glad that I let my kids play in the warm laundry and even encouraged it on cold days. Maybe this is why I love the smell of Tide so much...

Don't let this picture fool you...

2011-10-13T10:43:00.003-04:00

This is Teague helping me sweep the floor. The fact is he's the one that makes most of the mess around here these days! I can hardly keep up with the Cheerios, dried peas and carrots and other food and toys he leaves behind throughout the day. Yesterday it was the toilet paper streaming across the hallway, living room and entry way as though we had some mini party going on and needed streamers for the occasion. Sometimes it feels like fun for me. Other times I feel like I am fighting a losing battle trying to keep up.
In the end, I pause ad breathe and take it in. Because I have learned life's lesson that this season of his life and mine will be a distant memory before long. So I snap a few pictures and try to take it in. And remind myself that a clean house isn't what I really want in life. I want happy, well-rounded kids that know there's no place like home!

If you believe in karma, you can't believe in her...

2011-09-28T11:17:00.003-04:00

One year ago at this time Chip and I were dancing with Wyndham in our living room, then getting her into her jammies and tucking her as cozy as we possibly could into her bed. It was the eve of her double-foot surgery. We knew we were in for some major life changes, and comfort was not going to be one of them. For her, or us. We knew life was about to get as challenging as it's been for us in a long while.

We just didn't have a clue it was going to drag on. For a whole year. Or more.

Trust me.

We've lived through lots and lots of medical situations and injuries that require extensive care and treatment. We've been through the wringer with grief and trauma and all that it takes out of you as you process it and work your way through it. We're no strangers to doctors telling us what to expect- and having it turn out more on the "worst case scenario" end of the spectrum. I guess I could just tell you we're not rookies when it comes to recovery after injuries.

But this time it was different.

There were no medical helicopters or ambulances rushing one of our loved ones off with the outcome {literally} up in the air. We were feeling cautious, yet hopeful as Wyndham faced a few months of immobility and healing. We had several consulations of various doctors- all who agreed and supported the decision to go ahead with the realignment surgery and tendon lengthening. They used words like, "Wyndham is a good candiate" and "you should expect her to do very well" and "this is something that's been done before yielding great results, so we expect the same or better for you too". As hesitant and unsure as I was going into these consults, I walked away from them each time certain that Chip and I were making the best decision for Wyndham to have the surgery done. We felt educated and informed. We had asked lots of questions. We had exhausted other less invasive measures for a few years and finally felt like we were at the place where there really was only one best option.

So we went ahead and had her surgery done.

I dreaded it and prayed about it for over a year. I asked God for a miracle. I fully expected that at some point along the way my prayers would be heard. I figured that even right up to the very last set of x-rays taken that the doctors would come back to our room and tell us that they couldn't believe it or explain it but there would be no surgery needed. I fully believed that God wanted to use Wyndham as a real-life miracle in an orthopedic office setting. It seemed an unusual place- but I knew God could do miracles anywhere. That's the way this story went. In my head and in my heart. I wanted nothing more than for Wyndham to avoid the pain and suffering that she would endure. I wanted nothing more than for her to be able to keep going to school and be "just like all the other kids". I wanted her to keep growing and playing and laughing and signing and riding bike like she had been doing so well for the past couple of years. We certainly didn't need her laid-up in double casts. It would never be a "good time" for that. But certainly not just 5 weeks after her new baby brother had been born. That's supposed to be the time for the family to bond and nuture one another and adjust to sleepless nights and just take it all in. Because a new baby brings enough change of its own. We're no rookies in that department either.

So I knew, one year ago, as I danced with Wyndham and tucked her in and then swaddled Teague and nursed him to sleep, that the morning would either bring miracle or hurt. For all of us. Unfortunately, God chose not to heal Wyndham's feet on their own, but instead Chip gave her a nice warm bath, she had to skip breakfast, and then we hugged her and sent her off- with a smile on her face- to have surgery on both of her feet/legs.

Chip called me with an update at one point and said she had all the nurses smiling as she held out her finger for the pulse-ox and she was just being the best patient ever. I imagined that she would be. This was the first time she was hospitalized and not sick. She was as healthy and strong and happy as she'd ever been. Which made it all the harder for me.

I'm sure it was still the pregnancy hormones in my body, but I spent most of that morning in tears. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the worst thing that I could do as a mom- sign the papers and authorize my little girl to have bone taken from her pelvis and placed in both feet, as well as have her legs cut lengthwise on the back of her calves for her tendons to be lengthened. It was as if I were signing us up for suffering. Her for the physical pain and limitations it would put on her; Chip and me for the added demands and emotional/mental suffering we would feel as we helped nurse for her and give her the care needed to get her back on her feet. I cried because I knew that everyone of us in our family was going to hurt in some way. And I had basically said, "Go ahead... you have my okay."

In my defense, I really feel that even though we asked a hundred questions, and even though the therapists supported us and the physiatrist supported us and recommended her surgeon and even though Wyndham loved her surgeon and we all seemed so confident and ready to get this done, I still feel (looking back a year post surgery) like we were not given the full scope of what the worst-case scenario might be. We were told she would be in double casts up to her knees for 8 weeks. Then she would be in some orthodics- which would be adjusted as she progressed with her rehabilitation. There was never, ever mention that she would be needing a wheelchair one year later. Or more.

That never crossed my mind. We looked at it as suffering and life-style changes that would last through the winter months, but then by spring we would be ready to breathe in the newness of springtime and feel energized and see Wyndham flourish. We never dreamed that things would take a toll on her the way they did. She hardly moved out of her wheelchair for the first 6 months at all. We never dreamed her lack of good progress would take such a toll on our marriage and family dynamics. I guess I thought Chip and I would find a rhythm and things would sort of move along differently. But we are adaptable people. We've lived through traumas and seizures and sort of expected that in taking it one day at a time we would manage the way we always do.

With humor getting us through most of it, and with the light at the end of the tunnel guiding our way. Only this time, there were too many days where none of us laughed. The pain was managable for Wyndham. But beyond that I couldn't help but grow more and more resentful as the progress seemed too slow and the recovery more demanding than any of us had imagined it would be.

I shut myself off from the world. In part because we had a new baby and 4 other kids just doesn't make it convenient to go out and do anything anywhere. But I think I shut myself out and grew a little bit more resentful everyday because truth be told, in my heart and mind we had already paid the price of suffering. And even more than Chip and me, Wyndham had paid more than her fair share of suffering. With each day that we had to lift her out of bed, and with each diaper change that we had to roll her to her side and try to bathe as she lay helplessly looking on or watched her siblings go off to school or play the games they wanted to, it just dug like a knife in my heart.

I've heard a lot about karma the past few years. You know, the idea that what a person puts out into the world is what comes back to them? Well, I believe it to a point. A really tiny one. And then I toss that notion out the window. Why else would there be so many things written about why bad things happen to good people? Or what about natural disasters- they take anyone in their wake. There is no mercy or stopping for people who have meant their quota of good. Sometimes bad just happens.

As I've watched Wyndham's life unfold over more than a decade now, I've only seen from her "good". I mean literally her life was turned upside-down and her chances to put anything out in the world were stripped before she had even sat up on her own. She never even had the chance to say a bad word. She has only shown determination and joy everytime she's had the world turn against her. And there have been a lot of times. Yet somehow, she overcomes. She's a fighter... most often with humor being her method of finding her way back too. She has always had a high pain tolerance and she always manages to be the one that makes me see the light is still there. No matter how dark it's gotten through the years.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons Chip and I have fought to keep our marriage together and have been able to find joy and happiness in life after loss and tragedy is because we have looked at Wyndham (and Brock, and all our other kids too) and we've said we want to keep it together and give them the best that we can in spite of how we feel.

But this year has been different.

I've had to fight with me (follow me here- I'm talking about the me inside of me) because I've blamed myself and felt regret and basically I have tried to figure out why the suffering we've lived with has had to follow us for as long as it has. I truly believe that God is able to change our circumstances. I fully trust Him with all that happens in our lives. So to feel pain for so long and not lose the happiness we worked so hard to get back through the years has just added to the hurt I've carried inside. It's been tough.

I've gone around in circles and tried to figure out what we could have done differently. That never helps anything for me anyway. It just makes me wish for a "do over" and we all know that can't happen. So I feel disappointed too. That even though we've tried our best, it just isn't turning out the way we imagine it to.

One year later.

I've been riding my bike for the past 4 months or so. I average 10 miles each day. I've ridden over 500 miles and in the time it takes to pedal that far I have had a lot of thinking and wrestling and praying along the way. I've pedaled some days out of frustration. I've pedaled some days out of fear. I've pedaled some days out of regret. I've pedaled some days just because I know Teagan never got to ride a big girl bike and Wyndham will never bike alone. So I've biked for them. I've pedaled some days because I can't believe how good I feel. I've sometimes wondered if I'd ever feel "good" again. {The answer is yes!} I've pedaled some days asking God to take all the pain away. I've pedaled on other days thanking Him for being merciful and keeping Chip and me together to bear the burdens and still see beauty rise from them. I've thanked God for giving me the ability to finally let go of needing answers or seeing outcomes that I've predetermined in my own heart and mind. I've pedaled and wondered why He's given me so much when I sometimes act like the biggest baby in my whole family.

One year ago I knew Wyndham was going to wake up and then be taken from her cozy home and the next thing she would find herself throbbing and her legs would be in bright orange casts and her hip would ache, but she would never know why. I am sorry that I let it happen to her. I am sorry one year later that I didn't know better than to say no. I am sorry that I couldn't change the fact that she would be in a wheelchair for a year and give up so much. I am sorry that I couldn't make it better for her. I am sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I regret that she has suffered and been changed- even though she is content in her chair and doesn't seem to feel pain now. She isn't back to the way she was. She still needs maximum support and aid for so many daily activities.

Chip and I have found as much of a "normal" groove in the past year as we can with her needs and those of 5 other kids. We've only just begun to find our way back to one another. I am still on my way of letting go of why all this has had to happen to us. I am still holding on to the hope that even if God chooses to not reveal the answers to my questions, that I can still trust Him and know that He can work it all for good.

My faith isn't dependent on needing the answers. But it sure depends on knowing the One that has them all. That's the bottom line. It's not about karma. It's not about who has done what and how good or bad it's been. It's not about our energy being worse than another families, and it's certainly not about Wyndham deserving of something bad yet again. It's been a journey, that's for sure.

As you can see from the photos, she IS doing well. We're ALL doing well. In many regards we have nothing to complain about. We have more than we need or deserve. Would we change things if we could... yes. But we are taking things as they come. And Teague is happy to spend time in the chair during the times Wyndham is out of it.

I continue to bike as often as I can and with each passing mile I am feeling more confident that no matter what our family endures, we will come out shining. I can't say that I believe in karma. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I DO believe in overcoming. And if you believe in that, then you most definitely believe in Wyndham. And I believe Wyndham is here because God knows we all need to see what a miracle looks like everyday. I most assuredly believe in those.

...and then he was 3!

2011-09-26T23:05:00.002-04:00

A week ago {Sept. 19th} Crew turned 3! It seems like we were just setting up his nursery and getting all the tiny clothes washed and put away in anticipation for his arrival. The next thing I know he is signing "3" and helping to select the cake flavor(s) and then holding the mixer and licking the beaters when the batter is done.

The years really do go by in the blink of an eye- even though some of the days and nights feel like they will never end! Even with having 7 kids, I will never understand the phenomenom behind that truth. We fell in love with Crew and his tiny newborn baby scent back in 2008. He was perfect and warm and squeeky at just the right times. It seems like he grew out of that newborn/baby phase way too quickly and his bright little mind was bent on keeping pace with all his older siblings. There's a 4 1/2 year gap between him and the next in line, Ava, so he had a lot of ground to make up!

I won't sugarcoat it and lie to the world here on my blog. He was a tough cookie- and still is at times- especially when it comes to his strong will and his independent nature. He has wanted to do things his way and on his own since about the 1 year mark. It's only been in the last few months that he is easier to "tame" and also his verbal skills are finally starting to develop and that makes things a bit better for all of us. Knowing that "Bobbie" means he wants to watch SpongeBob helps more than one would think!

I am just so grateful that he is smart, funny, healthy, happy (at least at various times throughout the days) and ready to learn and try new things all the time. Even if it means I've wanted to tear my hair out once in awhile. We're in this together and for the long-haul. Thankfully we have a relationship that was based in love from the very beginning. And love will see us all through!

So, to wrap this up I am going to share some random things I love about Crew being 3:

I love that he can make his own toast. It sort of gives me a small heart attack because I'm not sure what he's up to sometimes, but it makes him proud. Some of my older kids could take cooking lessons from him. Seriously.

I love that he wears Superman jammies and when he wakes up in the morning a lot of times he comes running right to me with his arms wide open ready to give and get a hug. It's a great way to start the day!

I love that he laughs at quirky things. He loves slapstick humor already.

I can't help but love that he gets mad when we tell him he can't drive a car yet. I think he gets that from Ava. She was so upset one day at age 4 that I wouldn't turn over my keys to her that she cried the whole way home from picking up the big kids from school. =)

I love that Crew loves "grown up food" over fast food or junk food, for the most part. He eats cereal/granola for several meals and snacks each week. He especially loves fresh fruit and berries on top. And he insists on pouring the milk on himself, so I give him a little cup of milk that enables him to do it without my help. He won't eat chicken fingers or cheeseburgers, but he does like corn dogs. And toast. See above. =)

I love that he stills gets way too tired and than "crashes" at nap time if/when he takes one. He has a point in the day where he needs a nap so badly, but he fights it just as hard. On the days that he takes one I often get to lay down on his bed and help him calm into sleepmode. I know he's there when he starts twisting his fingers in his hair on the top of his head. Sometimes he even makes little knots.

I love that, even though it makes me feel like I live on a prairie and I'm married to Charles Ingalls, Crew calls me "ma". It's most adorable when he says, "Thanks, Ma!" for whatever it is I happened to get for him at the time.

I love that he makes smiley faces on the driveway with chalk. He loves art time with paints, markers, crayons and LOVES playdough. But he's not so typical in that he hates to get any of it on his hands or clothes. How lucky does that make me?! =)

Okay. One more. I love that he doesn't hold back. Whether it's good or bad, he's in 100%. Which is why I sometimes want to tear my hair out, but I also know that the world holds something amazing for him and he's going to go get it with all of his heart. It might get broken a time or two... but whatever his dream is, he is not going to settle for anything less. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Even if I am a biased mom of a charming 3-year old boy.

Happy birthday to my Crewie as we sometimes call him. I am so glad to be the one to watch you grow, to teach you new things, to see you try and try and try some more, and to share the frosting from the beaters too. My life is forever better because of you! Love, Ma xoxo

Documenting daily life...

2011-09-14T12:18:00.004-04:00

I've had a debate in my head for a few weeks now as to keep blogging or not. As you can see, the "not" won out for awhile. =) Sure, life is busy from day to day. Three of the six kids have started back to school; Wyndham is getting more therapy services- which already keep Chip busy running her back and forth to her sessions, and summer is starting to wind down so I am trying to get in as many 10-mile bike rides as I can. It seems like there is always something to cook or clean or pick up... our daily life is routine, but not at the same time.

Even as I wonder whether or not to make note of the "stuff" going on in our lives I realize that this is the kind of stuff that is too easily forgotten. The seasons of life sometimes change so gradually that I hardly notice they've changed until I look back and see that things were once very different.

So here I am again, taking note of the really insignificant, significant details of our life. As it is- right now. With Brock (in 7th grade), Bella (in 4th grade) and Ava (in 2nd grade) in school our home has gotten quieter from 7:45 am until 3:25 pm. When Wyndham is away at therapy sessions I suddenly find myself with just 2 kids at home. Something that is a rarity and makes me think back to when I had Teagan and Brock. Crew and Teague are the exact same ages apart as those two were and it brings back a flood of memories of how that season in my life was very different than it is now. I have found that these two little guys love to play together and are very good in their play kitchen. We save all sorts of products/packages from our real kitchen and they can pretend together for a long time and are very happy at the food they make. I love getting to spend some playtime with them as I know how important it is for kids to get more individual attention.

I am glad I have a spot to "preserve" some of these really mundane activities here on my blog, because I know the years go so quickly and it's too important to not take notice of the little moments. I see how each of my kids is growing and learning and discovering new things. Every day. And new discoveries- no matter how many people have discovered them before you- are always worth documenting. I hope you are finding freshness in your days right now. Breathe it in and savor it. Because tomorrow will be a new day and you might forget just how much you loved today.

What a difference a year makes!

2011-08-19T13:02:00.002-04:00

Today our baby of the family turns one! We are so lucky to have such a happy, healthy, rambunctious one year old in our lives. Teague has always been loved by us, but in the past few months he has been able to give a lot of love right back. He's generally a content, but busy, little guy. He loves to play with all his siblings and he loves banging on the All-Clad pots in the kitchen too. He's been climbing up full flights of stairs for 3 months now and has been walking for nearly a month. He is curious and smart and has a love of puppies- even though we don't own a single pet. He has 6 teeth- and although he is great about eating a variety of vegetables most of those teeth like sweets just as much. =)

We have loved watching him become who he is already and look forward to watching him grow and change and become all God designed him to be from one til however old he gets!

Happy Birthday, to our dear Teague. Love and best wishes from your whole family!

They made it more fun!

2011-08-18T16:09:00.003-04:00

My parents came for a visit from Minnesota last week and we sure appreciated all they did for us and to help us have a little more summer fun together. With a ratio of two adults to six kids considering the ages and special needs of three of them it's much more manageable to do activities with a couple more helpers. Grandma and Grandpa were more than helpers. They made life more enjoyable and eased some of the daily burdens that tend to weigh Chip and me down so much.

We spent an overnight at a cabin of our friends on Big Star Lake here in Michigan. It was perfect weather and there was a lot to do- including a boat, kayaks, tubing, building sand castles, relaxing and a family outing to the famous Jones' Ice Cream. My parents are so laid-back around our kids and just jump right in playing with them and doing other household projects like defrosting our upright freezer. Like I said... the fun stuff. =)

Chip and I marked our 16th wedding annivesary {on August 12th} and my mom made us a carrot cake- very similar to the one she made for us on our wedding day. I have to tell you this has probably been the hardest year for us on so many levels. More difficult even then the year we had our Old Depot incident. Some days Chip and I wonder how we manage to even stay together. For me it is proof that God exists. He is holding us together when we would rather split our problems in half or just let half the family have some breathing room to feel "normal" at times. I'm thankful for the miracle God keeps doing in our hearts and lives as He keeps us together. I hope we can look back years from now and see just how far we've come. But in the throws of the tough stuff it can be hard to see.

I'm still thankful for Chip sharing his life with me and we love each other to the core. It's just the fun isn't the same kind of fun we used to have and we're trying to live in the moments of wonderful that we do have each day and recognize that we are pretty lucky- evenso.

I think we know it inside.

My parents visit reminded me that we DO have so much to be grateful for. We DO have a lot of fun when we can make it happen and God DOES want to see our marriage through all seasons of our lives. I hope we're eating cake together- as a couple and as a family- for a long, long time.

Summer is still in full swing...

2011-08-03T16:31:00.003-04:00

The summer is going to be gone before we know it. My kids are the kind of kids that like to sit inside in the air conditioning rather than hang out in the outdoors, barefoot and grubby, all day long. One way I do get them to stay outside a little while longer- despite our heat and humidity this summer especially- is by giving them popsicles and frozen treats. The other day Crew had his first orange cream push-up.

It was a hit.

Hope you're enjoying all the fun summer has to offer! I am making a new savory recipe from Martha Stewart's Pies and Tarts book for dinner tonight. I just might let you know how it turns out. It's going to be full of fresh Farmer's Market produce- so how bad can it be even if I mess it up, right?! Mmmm. Farmer's Market produce. One of my favorite things about summertime!

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days...

2011-07-29T09:31:00.002-04:00

Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days. Not counting Leap Years. That's a whole lot of missing.
I know.
That's how long it's been since I last kissed my daughter, Teagan. That's how many days my heart has wished I could turn back the hands of time. That's the number of times I've awoke in the morning and wished my reality was just a bad dream from which I could awaken from.
A whole decade of letting that reality sink in still hasn't changed the clarity of my memories of "that day". The one where everything I had learned and believed up to that point in my life would be shaken and tested. Ten years have passed and my heart rate still jumps at certain sights, sounds, smells and those triggers bring me right back to that day. They are etched, as few other memories in my life are, in such detail and wrapped up in the greatest pain I have ever felt. Sometimes I close my eyes and start to bring them to mind and all these years later I still find I need to catch my breath as those pictures unfold in my memory.
The crash. The screams. The slow-motion of it all. The disbelief and unreal feeling feeling all too real. The sense of urgency outweighing the terror I felt creeping in. The horror I was trying not to let in just kept unfolding unlike any dream I could have ever dreamed on my own. The weight of Teagan's limp body in my arms as I carried her several paces and then realized I had no where to go so I stopped and laid her down. That's the part when it all began to seem achingly real.
I kept hearing myself say, "Oh God... oh, God... oh, God... please."
Please, what?
Please, help. Please, NO! Please don't let this be us... just please, oh, please!
But it was us. And them.
And.
Her.
* * *
There is a story in the Bible where someone asks Jesus how many times must you forgive someone when they sin against you. One time? Two? Three? Seven?
Jesus' reply is "Not seven times, but seventy times seven."
Four hundred and ninety times.
That's an awful lot of forgiveness.
I used to wonder (as a young girl growing up as a Pastor's kid and hearing these stories often) why would Jesus pick some a random, big, crazy number? I used to think it was way too much. Who would ever need to forgive someone that many times... 490 times?
I certainly never dreamed it would be me. Moreover, I most certainly never dreamed that not only would I have to choose to forgive seventy times seven, but even hundreds more times than that.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty times. In just the first 10 years alone.
Forgiveness is a choice. I choose daily to forgive.
But I must confess and be truthful too and tell you that sometimes I fail. Some days I have desired forgiveness in my heart and soul, yet I have fallen short in living it out in the actions of my life that day. I have claimed forgiveness to be so, but it hasn't always been true in the thoughts of my mind. I have even "fought it" on particularly tough days that simply haven't felt fair for me to forgive. There have been lots of tough days over the past 10 years. There have been lots of days where I have felt life to be unfair.
But it isn't my place to decide when or why or how or where. As much as I would like to choose which days I can forgive fully and which days I can just skip that part, I know I am not the one who gets to decide. I am not the one chosen to hand out the punishment or sentence. I was chosen for something else. I am asked to forgive out of the overflow of forgiveness given to me. I am asked to show mercy where none is deserved. I have been shown grace and in such an act given to me even when I was less than, I am changed and now I know it is grace that I can extend to another who is less than too.
Ten years ago I was "doing everything right". I was a middle-class, tax-paying, home-keeping, church-going, hard-working wife and mom to three young kids who just happened to sit down around a table at a restaurant with my family in hopes of simply enjoying a simple Sunday brunch together. However, the actions of another forever changed the way I now look at life.
I wish I could say that my scars have healed and that we've blossomed into a family that lives life to the fullest and has learned to leave our worries behind.
The fact is that 10 years later I still feel an ache inside on a lot of days. Sometimes I even mutter the words, "I forgive you" outloud just to try to make myself believe that truth and hopefully feel it a bit more clearly inside. I know I have forgiven. I have claimed it over and over and I do feel it has changed the way I live. But it is still oftentimes a conscious choice- or should I say a surrender on my part to claim that forgiveness. I'll even admit that it's still a lesson I wish I never had to learn. Yet it seems to be the life lesson I've needed most.
I am nothing.
Teagan was nothing.
The one who turned our lives upside-down is nothing.
We all are nothing.
Without Him.
Without His Grace.
Without His Forgiveness. Without His love and mercy and compassion and healing.
I choose to believe that His ways are not my ways; His are higher and perfect and Just.
Good even.
Even when I don't feel it. Even when I have to pick up my cross daily and claim it to be true.
I will.
For 10 years I have.
It hasn't always been easy. Or nice. Or pretty.
Or wrought with showers of blessings- as the old hymn says.
I'll be honest.
It hurts.
A lot of days it still hurts.
Teagan was my light~ my delight~ she was irreplaceable and there is still a void in my heart and forever will bein my life where I feel she should be. Where I miss everything about her.
Wyndham too is a daily reminder of the most hurtful day of our lives as we continue to watch her struggle to do many of the "normal" things others can do. We see her suffer pains in her life that many will never know. With each diaper change and never-ending trips to and from therapy sessions we are reminded that some hurts will never go away. We have learned to live with them.
Three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days ago the sky was blue, the sun was shining down and somehow our lives suddenly erupted with chaos all around.
Ten years later we've "righted" a lot of things. We've learned to laugh through our tears. We've learned to hold on to even the tiniest threads of hope at times. We've chosen to forgive and to live that and truly mean it- not simply mouth the words. We've healed more than we could have imagined we could or would- both inside and out. We've loved again. We've believed in brighter days. We've brought more kids into the world that at times felt empty and dark. We've witnessed happiness and beauty and joy and miracles.
We have walked a long, winding, twisted path that still doesn't always seem like the path to be on, but we know that faith sometimes asks us to walk places we would rather not go. Faith often means we must take the next step no matter what lies around the next turn. It means being willing to trust, simply because we know and believe in the One who is leading- He can be trusted.
Ten years of remembering. Of missing. Of wishing it all different. Of wanting things to never change from the way they were. Ten years of tears that feel like they'll never stop- then finding moments of joy in the midst of them. Ten years of forgiving and hoping and believing that it makes a difference. In us. In her. In anyone who wonders if it even does make a difference in life to forgive.
The answer is yes. It does. It can. It will.
If you allow it to.
I'll never stop remembering Teagan. I'll never stop missing her. I'll never stop loving her. Or telling stories about her to anyone that is willing to listen. I'll never stop wanting to live life more fully because of her. She is and always will be thelove of my heart.
I forgive, not because of her, but because of Him.
I follow- because He is faithful.
I believe- because He promises to make all things new.
I hope- because He gives mercy.
I am changed, not because of one day in my life, but because of what He did one day for me. I am changed because of who HE is. I still give Him the broken, messed up pieces of my heart and life and trust that even as He redeems the brokeness that it's not for my sake.
But for His glory.
As I think back to the horror of that day- July 29th, 2001- it's scary and terrifying and ugly and gloomy and filled with despair. Yet somehow God has brought good out of it. Even when I don't notice the goodness. Sometimes it's hard to see it very often; that's been especially true in our lives the past several months. But looking back has made me realize just how great God is. I still have a whole future of choosing forgiveness and giving our hurts and challenges to Him.
I know, without a doubt, as I have had 10 years- three thousand, six-hundred and fifty days- of daily reminders that He is seeing us through! Today I pause to reflect and to humbly give thanks to God for bringing us this far.

The number of her days...

2011-07-28T18:36:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I posted on my FaceBook status that Teagan came up to me while I was making her lunch and out of the blue asked me, "Mommy, how many days am I?". I spun around and looked at her and sort of laughed when I told her, "I'm not exactly sure of the number, but you're a lot of days old, Sweetie, and you have a lot of days left".

It turns out I was wrong.

She had only a couple of days left on this earth.

I have been thinking a lot about how I might have lived those 48 hours differently if I had known they would be our last days together. I've blogged about the topic before and how I really feel it was probably best for me not to know- especially when life took such a drastic turn. I know nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen in our lives back then.

A big part of the peace and acceptance of Teagan's death though has hung on the fact that we know and trust that God was not surprised one bit by what happened. In fact, the Bible even tells us that even before a single day comes to be, He has ordered that number perfectly.

God knew before Teagan ever took her first breath just how many days she would live out on this earth.

She lived the perfect number of days. For her.

It's not to my liking, that's for certain, but my heart has accepted it as much as a mother's heart can, I believe.

She lived and loved fully. I know I overthink the what if's, the why's, the how's and never stop wondering where we would be in life if things had gone differently that day. Somehow just knowing that I'll never forget and I'll never stop loving her- even when she's gone helps to temper the weight of the grief I feel from all we've lived through and emptiness we've felt having Teagan gone. The breadth of her life was short, but the impact I still feel from the days she did live on earth have forever touched the core of me.

Tomorrow we mark 10 years since our tragedy at The Old Depot.

I only hope that even as I recall the memories of our past I won't take the days we all have left for granted. Not one single one.

Bella's birthday and thoughts...

2011-07-26T19:29:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was Bella's 9th birthday. She requested Baked Caramel French Toast for breakfast and she is in love with all things Pokemon, so I added some detailing to a Ryke's cake and it was one sugary, tasty day for all of us. =)

I was secretly hoping her birthday wish would be for all the laundry to wash, dry and put itself away, but I guess that wasn't it as I still have two clean piles to put away as I type this. I hope she wished for good things to happen in life. We are all still so ready for things in life to turn down the stress levels a bit and to get back to a more "normal" state. It's been a wild, long year for all of us and there's still a ways to go too.

I always get especially nostalgic at Bella's birthday as she was born just 4 days prior to the first annivesary of Teagan's death and our family tragedy. It's still so hard to grasp all that went on in that one calendar year back from July '01-'02. I still can't begin to know how it is that a person can lose one child and gain another in less than a year's time, but I can tell you that Bella has added joy and personality and she is such a thoughtful girl too. Nobody could have ever filled Teagan's {sparkly!} shoes, but Bella sure filled our hearts back with a taste of happiness and hope that we hadn't had in a long time. I'm so glad God sent her into our lives 9 years ago. I only wished she could have met her big sister.

Happiness is...

2011-07-19T10:13:00.002-04:00

Happiness is all around us. Somewhere. In someone or something or even in a dream we imagine no matter where we are or what we are going through. I have learned the secret of seeing or finding happiness. It's in being open to it. Looking for it. Wanting it. Aching for it. Being intentional about seeking it.

Suddenly, sometimes right in front or above or swirling around you, there it is.

Happiness was so evident when Crew got his hands into a new bucket of chalk and had a clear, blue sunny day to play with it on the driveway. Happiness rarely costs a thing, but at the same time you can't begin to put a price on it. It just is. It doesn't have conditions or strings attached or deadlines or hidden agendas.

My biggest problem with happiness?

It's me.

Far too often I miss it.

I miss seeing it.

I miss looking for it.

I want it packaged differently.

I want to make it happen my way.

Or the other person's way.

Or I just plain forget that it's even out there because clouds seem to get in my way, when in reality the clouds are the vehicle and tool leading me through or toward happiness.

I used to believe in a world where happiness was the guarantee. I used to believe that if you did everything right- or at least tried to do it all right- you'd find it or it would simply come to you. I have since grown and experienced the truth which is the reality that "right" isn't a guarantee for anything. It still is the best way to live and try to do things. But it isn't a shield or automatic "free card" for experiencing happiness.

In this month of reflection I find it even more important for me to look for the simple happiness in people and things around me.

Like laughter of kids in summer as they play chalk on the driveway.

Like the look of pride on Wyndham's face as she pedaled her bike on her own the other night after nearly a year of not being able to ride on it.

I see it in the sparkle of Teague's eyes as he tries something new- like opening a cupboard door and pulling out the containers stacked neatly inside the doors.

I see it in Bella and Ava when they ask for a "sleepover" and they hear the answer "yes" and then they smile as they head off to bed in the same room.

I sense it in Brock each time he gets to do something where he exercises independence. Even or should I say, especially in the little things- like getting a library card and riding his bike to check out some books.

I know it's there. Every day. In the big stuff; the little stuff; the amazing moments and equally in the mundane ones too.

I am choosing to claim it and embrace it daily right now. It might not change my world and they way I see things or change the way things are, but it changes a moment. Or two. Or three. And when I start noticing happiness the way it was meant to be experienced, I start to feel it in my heart. That, my friends, happens to be the place where happiness matters most.

Summer days.

2011-07-13T21:41:00.002-04:00

Summer seems to fly by no matter if you're a kid enjoying a break from school or if you're busy trying to keep up with kids home from school. Isn't that right? Or even if you don't have kids and you just want to soak in as much fun and sun as possible. There just aren't enough hours to squeeze everything in.

But we're trying our best around here. Wyndham has a demanding schedule of therapy right now and that actually has allowed me to get out with the other kids a little bit more than I had thought I would be the past few weeks. She gets to spend some free time at the club with Chip- sitting at the computer playing Paint and games and even getting to ride the cart around the course from time to time. She is loving it and is working hard at getting comfortable on her feet and using a cane. I am much more hopeful with her prognosis now than I was at the beginning of the summer. Sometimes hard work actually does pay off!

One of the things I have to do during these summer days of July is to try to over-compensate for what I am feeling inside as we get closer and closer to the anniversary of our Old Depot incident. It is such a struggle for me inside still- 10 years later- to not let the grief creep in and overshadow the fun we still can have as a family no matter what is on our hearts. One of the things I did, mostly for me =), was to get out the Easy Bake oven and make a couple of batches of tiny cookies. It is one of the activities Teagan loved to do most and her fingerprints are still smudged on the window on the front of the oven where you peek inside to watch the cookies bake. I have told my kids they are welcome to peek inside and touch the window too; however no one is allowed to ever whip the window clean. Just knowing that she is still a part of the memoies of the little oven makes the treats we bake taste that much better to me. The kids all oved making the chocolate crinkle cookies {click here for the recipe we used and love!} and I just hope they will grow up understanding that grief and remembering and having fun and laughing can all be rolled into one. I don't know how else to live with my grief other than to incorporate it into their lives too. I don't think they will ever fully grasp what a sudden and profound loss we experienced when Teagan died, and rarely, if ever, do they see me shed a tear anymore, because I simply don't cry they way I used to. I think they will associate good memories and fun times when it comes to Teagan and that's exactly the way I want them to think about the sister that still holds a big piece of my heart. I think Teagan would be happy to see us having picnics and baking with the play oven and recalling the ways she filled our lives with joy.

These summer days are challenging for me in more than one way. But I am glad that I've been able to learn to tie joy and sorrow together. Not just for me. But for them too.

It's never the best photo...

2011-07-05T23:05:00.002-04:00

It's never the most techinically correct, nor do I care if everyone is looking into the camera with smiles on their faces- it's more than that to me. Our last family photo with Teagan was taken as we sat together awaiting the 4th of July fireworks. Each year that we've had the opportunity to do so, I have made a point to try to get a family picture snapped. This one was taken yesterday as we sat and waited for our local parade to begin.
It's crazy to me how life has gotten so much harder for us over the past 10 years, rather than as I would have expected it to have gotten "easier". Maybe it is the marking of a decade and that reality sinking in as the end of this month approaches and the 10th anniversary of our tragedy draws near. Maybe it is simply I wish with all my might that I could live the life I imagine in my mind, but wake up to the fact that wishes don't always come true. Maybe it is the fact that Wyndham- who so deserves every good thing that this world has to offer her- has walked such a long, difficult, hard path for almost her whole life, and she is the one I watch sitting on the sidelines having to let life pass her by far too many times that I feel nothing in this world can ever make it up to her anymore.
Maybe it is in the surrendering.
It's still my biggest challenge. To know when to hold on and when to let go.
I feel I've lived it and learned it, and yet it is the lesson that keeps coming up. Time and time again.
I gave up on the "perfect" family photo years ago, thank goodness for that! But I'm still not ready to give up on loving all of us in spite of our imperfections. It's our flaws that keep us holding on. More tightly than I imagined at times, but the blessing is we're all still together. I just never dreamed we would ever have gotten as big as we did! Ten years changes a lot of things- our family looks a whole lot different than it did back then. I wonder what we'll look like in another 10 years! I have no idea, but I can tell you that we won't be perfect then either! =)

Coke Floats & Pinky Promises.

2011-06-30T10:49:00.002-04:00

Today our family is keeping in tradition for the 10th year and having Coke floats together to honor Teagan's memory and make a new one at the same time. It's our annual "Coke Float Day"! We never dreamed ten years ago that having a late night spontaneous Coke float with Teagan would become such a cherished memory. But as circumstances would have it, just one month later as I stood at her hospital bedside and wrapped her tiny pinky around mine and promised to love her forever, I said the most difficult goodbye in my life. I still can't fully wrap my mind around how life took such a dramatic and twisting turn in just a blink of an eye.

Sometime after Teagan died, and likely one of the days where all the strength I could muster went to feeding Wyndham bottles with medicine in it and the rest of my time was spent with tears streaming my face, I flipped through photos and recounted happy times we'd spent with Teagan. It was the one thing that I did to keep my mind off the hoorror of what we'd been through- I had to concentrate on how lucky we had been to have such a great little girl in our life and we had been blessed with lots of wonderful "ordinary" moments with her in 4 short years.

When June 30th rolled around that first year after losing Teagan, we made a special point of recreating the moment of Chip and Teagan's late night Coke Float with Brock. We wanted his life to have some happy times too- even as difficult as life had become for us. In doing so we found that not only did we get the chance to remember a wonderful time with Teagan, but it was a chance to turn our heartache into a new happy memory at the same time. And goodness knows our hearts needed opportunities for joy in life again!

We had lived and learned how quickly life changes unexpectedly and also just how quickly our days go by- no matter what is going on in them. Big stuff, little stuff; everyday, routine stuff, or extraordinary, amazing stuff!

You can click to enlarge the photos here to read the journaling on a scrap page I made when I first started scrapping back in 2006. I remembered this night with Teagan and Chip so clearly. If tragedy hadn't struck it would have just been one more picture among so many others I snapped through the years. But in light of what happened, it became a treasure and a gift that now lives on each year as Coke Float Day.

Our family will be "celebrating" this ordinary, special day out at Chip's golf club with some frothy mugs of root beer or coke and ice cream. But we invite you to join us by having your own round of Coke floats or whatever it is in your life that would be meaningful and memorable and fun. Don't wait for a "reason" to enjoy today. Don't wait for a crisis to be reminded that today is a gift- just as it is every single day! Pop some popcorn and enjoy a movie together, or go for a walk and feed some ducks at a nearby pond or bring a fresh bunch of flowers to a neighbor who needs a pick-me-up or even call a loved one that you haven't spoken to in a long while and say, "I've missed you and love you!" simply because you have the chance to do so.

We've lived through some dark, grief-stricken days and still have ongoing challenges that affect us every day. We've learned it's so important to take time and intentionally live in the moment. We aren't superheroes when it comes to happiness and sometimes the biggest life lesson we've learned from our heartache and loss of Teagan is to never take the little moments for granted. We're so thankful we had Coke float night with Teagan and we're so thankful that we can enjoy it each year (and sometimes several times each year!) with the rest of our kids too. We hope you are moved to take an ordinary moment in your life and make it memorable and extraordinary in your own special way because of the legacy Teagan left to us. She was truly a gift to us. To you, and to whoever chooses to celebrate life- in the big and little things. Happy Coke Float Day from the whole Ferlaak family today! Find something to celebrate!

Her fragrance in life...

2011-06-22T22:15:00.003-04:00

Today is my Grandma Shirley's birthday. But she's not here with us on earth as she passed away last October. I have written on occasion of my dear Grandma as her life was filled with such twists and turns. I still wish she would have written a book- it would be full of tragedy and yet ultimately beauty, love and grace. That's what my Grandma's legacy is for me and so many others whose lives she touched.

The baby picture of her is so special because just like one would expect, my Grandma came into this world in a very unique and special way- yet even her birth story holds some heartbreak. She was born June 22, 1924 in Mitchell, South Dakota to a young woman who left her at the hospital. The nurses grew fond of her after caring for her for a few months and one of them in particular wanted to adopt her. But she was a young, single woman and that's not how things played out back in the 1920's, so this nurse called her married sister in Minnesota and asked her to come and adopt the baby and that's just what took place. My great-grandma, Lydia and ,y great-grandpa Ray Michel, took the train out and back and that's how my Grandma's life story begins.

On days like this her story makes me wonder. I wonder about her mother and father and their families and how they lived their lives never knowing what happened to the sweet, tiny baby left at the hospital. I wonder how my Grandma's life would have been different had she been taken home and grown up under totally different circumstances. Thinking about the circumstances that fell into place in order for me and all my siblings and cousins and my mom and her siblings to be here is an amazing thought. One major detail in my Grandma's life ended up determining so many other things- it's startling to think of what might have or could have been.

My grandma would make the point, if she were writing or telling this story, that she believed that God was ordaining each event and person in her life. She would tell you that even though the circumstances were unusual and even though she faced tragedy and trials like some never have in their lives, that God was in each hardship and He was her steadfast rock and strength. He never failed her.

She would grow up in Minnesota in a very loving family- the oldest of 3. She was a happy girl with laughter and song and a smile for everyone she met. She loved music and I still remember countless songs sung around her piano in her home when I was a girl growing up. My memories of going to Grandma's and spending time in her home are all wonderful. In fact the worst memory I have was a happy one that went bad in a big hurry, but still turned out good in the end.

At about age 5 I was staying at my grandparents while my parents had to be away- and my 2 brothers and 2 sisters were there too. We decided to dress up and play "Here Comes the Bride" and when the plastic flowers were tossed I tried to catch them but ended up hitting my forehead on one of the end tables in the living room. I hit my head hard and ended up needing about 6 stitches on my forehead. It was my grandma who got a warm towel and loaded me up and sat next to me while the doctor stitched me up. I got a tiny piggy bank on the way home and it was my Grandma who put a silver dollar inside of it. She had a way of making even life's tearful moments something to smile about.

* * * * *

I've been getting up early to go biking the past several days now that summer is warming up and really it has less to do with me wanting to get in shape, as much as it's my time to think and have some breathing room from all my kids that demand so much of me while Chip is busy with the golf season in full swing. It's been so nice for me to catch my breath and to clear my head and I realize how much I crave quiet! I never knew how much I like solitude- it makes me think that maybe I could be a "real writer" at some time in my life. Quiet space lets me collect my thoughts. What I love about biking and how this all plays into my thoughts about my Grandma today is this- there are lots of different homes that I ride past each morning- depending on which route I take. But one in particular made me think of Grandma's house a couple of times as I rode by and smelled breakfast coming from the open windows. The other morning it was the scent of bacon and eggs that almost made me ride up to the front door and ask if I could come in for a quick bite. =) I'm sure it was the kind of breakfast where there would have been plenty for one more to join in. It's exactly the thing that made me think about what made my Grandma so special and it is what I've been thinking about as a frazzled mom most days.

The thing is my Grandma wasn't a wealthy woman. She married a farmer and they worked hard to just keep things going as they started out. There was nothing glamorous about the pigs and chickens she helped to raise. I've heard the stories so I know that firsthand! One of the tragedies that struck her life was when their farmhouse had a terrible fire on Memorial Day in 1953 and she lost her young son in that fire and her husband, Royal, suffered horrible burns and was hospitalized and endured surgeries for over 2 years. He was out of the hospital for such a short time when their familiy had a terrible car accident and then he was killed and my Grandma was hospitalized and laid up for months after that. Several years later she married the Grandpa I knew and loved all the years I was growing up and he was a minister. It goes without saying that he wasn't in a profession for money and they lived humbly all their years together. So money and things and a fancy home or trips or anything that people think they wish they could give or pass on to their family isn't what I recall when I think of my Grandma. It's the memory of the savory breakfasts she cooked up when we were lucky enough to stay over at her house. It's the memory of the hours she spent in the kitchen, especially on Thanksgiving, to pull off a feast that I'll never be able to recreate. The food was outstanding because she poured her heart into it. It never mattered that her house was so crowded with all of the relatives that sometimes you got a seat where once you were in your spot you knew you wouldn't be getting out of that spot until at least 6 other people moved from theirs first! =) Her home always smelled welcoming- whether it was a holiday or not. She made it comfortable and it was the way she met us at the door with the best hugs and 'hello' that we all looked forward to the most.

Life sure tried it's best to un-do her so many times. She had a rough road and yet I grew up loving her jokes, her stories, her pies, her music, her friends and especially hearing about how God had seen her through it all- the good AND the bad. She loved Jesus with all her heart and she shared the love He calls us to share with everyone she came in contact with. Her life fragrance is something I can close my eyes and still imagine it so clearly. She lived her life in a way that attracted people to her- you wanted to be around my Grandma because there was just something so likable about her.

There are some beautiful homes on my bike route. Some have gorgeous landscapes and manicured lawns. I don't know what kind of people live inside of them. I'm sure they are nice, but what struck me on my bike ride is how I was so drawn to the humble home- the much more lowly home where the scent of "goodness" was one that nearly drew me in. My grandma was like that home. Granted I think she was beautiful inside and out- so she's sort of a mix of the nice homes and the lowly home. But her legacy makes me want to live my life so that the aroma I give off- the attitude that I express, the words that I say, the manner in which I show love or not- makes me want to strive harder to be the kind of person that will be remembered for being a "sweet scent" in this life.

I'm so fortunate that the unique circumstances that surrounded my Grandma's birth led to the family she was adopted into and grew into the family I feel grateful to be a part of today. I am striving to follow Jesus the way my Grandma lived and I am thankful for her example of steadfastness no matter what comes our way. I think of her so many times and I'll never forget the way she smells to me... she's that wonderful. One day I know I will see her again; oh what a day that will be!

Still doing the juggling act...

2011-06-14T09:41:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wish I had been in juggling club back in high school because I feel it might have better prepared me for this time in my life. By this time, I mean having more kids, demands and activities going on around me than I do the ability to meet all those demands and do everything well. I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing the best with what I have, but I still can't shake that feeling of mommy guilt that it's not enough. Why is it so hard for us to let go of our ideals so often? I'm working on that. I'm learning I am more of a perfectionist than I wish I was and with a family as big and diverse in age and skills as mine, it's just not practical to be perfect anymore. Although I think Chip would tell you've I've been less than perfect for a long time now! =)

A couple of these photos I just took this morning as Bella and Ava headed out with Chip to the golf course for the kick off of Junior Golf this year. They were happy to be getting to do an activity and the kids always love to spend a little extra time with their dad this time of year too. Well, they love to spend extra time with him anytime- but especially so during his long summer hours. He makes such an effort to do things with the kids when he has the time. He took Brock and Crew out to hit some balls and play a few holes on Sunday afternoon. I need to give him more credit for all the things he does to lighten the load and make life more fun for us around here than I do. I tend to jump on him most when I get stressed out and overwhelmed and the truth is I need to point out more often all the things he does right and well. We all love him and are grateful to have Chip's flexibilty to help life keep moving along for all of us. I think it's okay for me to wish him a Happy Father's Day a few days early because he is so deserving of praise and also you and I both know I probably won't get a chance to blog again in time! So thanks, Chip, for being such a great dad and an example of what a leader and hard worker looks like. You are loved so much and we promise to tell you and show you that we mean it more around here too!

Now for a quick update on Wyndham and her current situation... we had an in-depth meeting with her surgeon last week and we're all in agreement (we her parents, case manager and therapists) that something hasn't been going well/right with her rehab for several weeks now. Chip and I have been so patient, but growing more and more disappointed and frustrated with how she's just not getting better, and in fact, in some ways has been getting worse. So after more x-rays and examination the doctor seems confident that there shouldn't be a reason for her to not want to bear weight on her feet. We're just unsure why she doesn't want or can't get back to walking. The decision was made to spend the next 2-3 weeks with an intsense physical therapy program as well as adding aqua therapy to her routine. So we're going from a couple of hours a week to sometimes twice daily workouts in hopes that we might see some progress and also to see if we can get her to build some muscle that she keeps losing. Yesterday was Wyndham's first time in a pool in over a year at a therapy center and she did great! She loved it so much she didn't want to get out of the water. It was the one posotive thing we've seen happen in a long time. Now I am hoping and praying that it not only will feel good for her- but that it will actually make a difference for her. If this extra hard work out schedule doesn't yield the results we are hoping for the next step would be to have to admit her to in-patient therapy in Grand Rapids and right now, honestly, I don't know if I can handle the stress and change that we demand of her, me and all of us as a family. I feel like we're already stretched so thin and I don't know where we would get the time, energy or opportunity for us to spend the time with her at a hospital setting for several weeks or months. Not to mention that it's not an easy thing to send your child away for such a lengthy time knowing she has needs unique to her and understood best by tose of us here at home. So feel free to join us in prayer and wishing Wyndham the best outcome we might expect as she is pushed harder the next couple of weeks.

I think one of my biggest life lessons since the death of Teagan and the trials we have endured since then has been to realize that as much as we strive to always do the right thing and to want the best and safest environment for our kids to grow and thrive in so much of what happens is still out of my/our control. There has been an ongoing 'theme' of surrender in our hearts and lives and I still struggle with giving it all up and saying, "whatever happens I simply trust You" and lay it all down for God to do in our lives as HE sees fit.

Life is hard... but God can use it all for His glory. Such a wonderful truth, but so hard to swallow!

I think it's more me than her...

2011-06-02T14:37:00.003-04:00

How is it June already? I guess the previous month really got away from me more than I thought it would. I always have good intentions of dropping by here and posting updates or things that are happening, and then I find that it's 10 or later at night and I have nothing left to give anymore! So it's not for lack of topics- like I think I've mentioned before, but simply that the days are getting longer, warmer and even {somehow!} busier than they have been at any other time.

Teague is growing like a little weed. Or should I say a jumbo cupcake. =) The cupcake above was one I got up and frosted at 5:30 am the other morning so Bella could take it to her end-of-year 3rd grade class party. It happened to be her teacher's birthday too- so I had to go big instead of just ordinary. I find that baking makes me happy and baking fun, creative things makes me even happier. Even if it does cost me an hour or two of sleep and my blog suffers as a result too. I think the class appreciated it this time.

So Teague is growing and changing and finding new things to get himself into or onto each day. He has Crew and all his other bigger siblings to learn from and follow their examples- I just wish he wanted to take it a little more slowly at times. We found him near the top of a flight of stairs more than once this week. He's quick and he doesn't even look back! He is totally unaware of the danger involved and gets the biggest, proudest look on his face the higher he goes. I foresee a trip to the ER for stitches in his early childhood at some point in time. He's a little daredevil already!

I snapped a couple of pictures that are so routine around here right now with Wyndham still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair and with Teague totally intrigued with everything about it despite the sharp edges, knobs and screws on it. You might notice he has access to a basket of toys and things all around the room he's in- but he has very little interest in anything if the chair is in sight. The only thing I found that catches his attention more than Wyndham's wheelchair is my pink vacuum. Just the things for a 9-month old baby to play with and chew on! I've been so frustrated and angry with how slow and drawn-out Wyndham's recovery from her feet has been. We have a doctor appointment coming up and are hoping to get some answers or even new direction/help on how to get her back to her previous state or at least more independent and we would LOVE to see her able to even use a walker rather than a chair. We have just entered the 9 month of having her unable to move around on her own and to say that I am tired and weary of it is an undertstatement. It has actually gotten much harder in many respects, rather than easier as the months continue to drag on.

The more I reflect on it, the more I can sense that my attitude and perspective have gotten clouded and I've begun to doubt that life will ever get back to "normal" again. It's only been in the last about 72 hours that I am convincing myself that if this IS the new normal and it IS as good as it may ever get, well then, I can accept that and even see that it will be okay. But I certainly don't want to believe it's true if there is still hope that things can turn around.

The picture of Wyndham smiling is one I took of her on a good day. She has had some major personality change- if you ask me- and sometimes I think she is just more accepting that this may be as "good as it gets" and she just endures her days in her chair. She certainly shows signs of wishing things different though- especially the other day when her sisters and little neighbor girls were out on our front lawn and she sat watching them out the window. They were running, jumping, laughing and rolling down the grass; Wyndham kept pointing outside.

My heart both leapt and broke at the same time. We have no ramp on our house and therefore because of the size and bulk of the chair and her I have very limited ability to get her outside. I've since been able to get her up and down our front steps with much effort- but it is really not an ideal situation. I call myself a prisoner in my own home whenever Chip has to be away. Which, as you can imagine with golf season in full swing, is often. We are working on getting one built and in place, but in the meantime it has been a mental and physical hurdle for me that we never even thought much about when went into this surgery last fall. I am feeling guilt and regret and wondering how much of me is what's holding Wyndham back.

Today is my day to fully, 120%, embrace a new outlook, attitude and big dreams. Not for me- but for her! And if she never gets to the point where she is wheelchair-free, well then my dreams will include that too. What I do know is that I can still get Wyndham to stand up and even as I provide support and stability, we can still dance together. This morning I held her up next to her bed and we danced a couple of measures- even with no music playing. So therein lies my hope and contentment today. I know that whatever happens we can still dance- even with no music at all. =)

Imitation is the greatest form of flattery...

2011-05-18T15:03:00.003-04:00

I snapped this sequence of photos yesterday morning as I watched to see what Teague was up to. It turns out he wants to be just like Crew and do what his bigger brother does. That laves me with mixed emotions as Crew has his own way of doing things most of the time. =)

Seriously though, I couldn't believe that Teague got his own game and then proceeded to join Crew playing it on the couch. Crew had his game on the couch in order to 'keep away' from the baby. Ha! Seven babies later and I am still amazed at how quickly they grow, how independent they strive to be, and how much they are soaking up from the world around them. Hopefully all the good parts of us are rubbing off and all our faults will be overlooked.

I am happy to report that Crew seems to be turning a bit of a corner and has been very nice the past few days. At least much nicer and easier to get along with then the previous year and a half. Maybe Teague is rubbing off on him too. =)

I just noticed my laundry is all folded in the basket in the background in these pictures. I am happy to report that it was all put away by last night too. And I'm caught up on two more loads yet today. Hopefully all that hard work is rubbing off on my little ones and they'll be doing their own laundry before I know it! Oh it's good to dream big sometimes!

Pointing out greatness.

2011-05-11T12:08:00.000-04:00

I didn't like myself all that much from about 5th grade through my senior year in college. I'm not totally sure why that is and there are really about a million reasons I can recall all at the same time. I do remember {and still have the paper somewhere} that in 9th grade I wrote myself a note about things I would do if I ever became a parent. One was that I would praise my kids simply for who they were. Not based on anything physical or tied to an academic achievement or a sports award- just praise for who they are from the inside. Praise due them because of what lies at the core of their heart and in turn what comes out to others around them.

Today I just want to brag "publicly" on my son, Brock. He is 12 years old and in middle school and happens to be the most amazing 'tween' I know. I feel so lucky to have him, not only as my son, but as my oldest kid and my biggest helper in our home. He could easily carry a chip on his shoulder from some of the life experiences he has lived through and endured. Instead, he so often rises to the occasion- without my asking- to just spread love and happiness and goodness to people {especially his family} around him. He is a pleaser and I don't think I tell him thank you enough for all he does to make life easier and better in and around our home.

He has a big heart and is sensitive, but funny at the same time. He puts up with an awful lot from his little brothers and sisters, and the demands of Wyndham seem to just make him more grateful for his own abilities. I'm quite certain I haven't taught him most of the things that make me love him so much. They simply are just a part of who he is. I don't think he is remotely aware of how "great" he is, and even less aware of how much he can impact others and the world around him as he continues to grow and learn and become more of who he is created to be. He is still very much a 'blank canvas'- full of potential to do so many things with his life. Today I just wanted to capture my thoughts about him and hope that he grows up not only loving others well, but himself well too. The world can never have too much greatness. I am humbled and glad to be the one God chose to help guide him into whatever it is he is called to be in this world.

To Brock,

You have a special knack of making people laugh when they feel like crying. You bring out the best smiles in everyone around you. You strive to be better than you were the day before, and you make me want to do the same. That's called inspiring- you are full of it and I'm so glad you share it so freely.

I hope the world gives you half of the dreams you hope for and that the other half surprise you and make your life more than you ever imagined it could be. I know God has had a special plan for your life since even before you were born. I'm thankful that He sent you to touch my heart and life and I'm the lucky one to watch you grow up each day.

Your wit and sense of humor and sarcasm brighten my life and I hope you know - even though I fail to point it out too often- that I think you're amazing.

I will always love and support whatever you choose to do and I know your future holds greatness too. Simply because you will be in it. You are destined for it and nothing can hold you back from whatever it is that God has in store for you.

I'm so grateful for you.

I'm so humbled by you.

I'm so glad you're mine.

I'm so filled with pride of who you are.

Now and always.

I love you, Brock.

Mom

Wordless Wednesday.

2011-05-04T15:51:00.002-04:00

What my "castle" looks like these days...

2011-05-03T13:01:00.002-04:00

I don't know how the weeks fly by in between blog posts here, because in behind the scenes in our real life sometimes the days and nights seem endless at times! Since Easter Sunday much has happened in the world and in our home too.

It was a very big deal for Prince William and Kate Middleton to marry this weekend- even though we're not British, royalty or in the same time zone. =) I happened to be awake at 4 am when the tv coverage started because Teague was up at that time crying and fussing with a mild fever from his two first teeth coming in. Once I started watching I was hooked and ended up posting a running commentary to my Facebook status updates throughout the whole day. It was actually amusing for me and since Teague wanted to be held most the day, I just used one hand to type and just had fun watching the wedding unfold. I woke Ava, Bella and Brock up just as the couple were about to head out of the church as husband and wife. The girls jumped out of bed and ran as fast as they could to see the new princess; they were so excited! Brock on the other hand didn't move a muscle- until I told him the coffee had just finished brewing and he could grab a cup whenever he was ready. I thought their reactions were spot on- girls love a good fairytale and boys love food! =)

Anyway, I have a lot I could say about the royal wedding and just maybe I'll get around to revisiting those thoughts here in the next few days. I do love weddings and I love tradition and precision at times. So for me it was nice to look on and watch it all happen and I enjoyed seeing and hearing about all the amazing and sometimes even, outrageous details.

Onto the next event, Wyndham got sick toward the end of last week and is still sick today. Last night she ended up in the ER due to dehydration and just being unable to keep anything down. This is nothing new to her or us, so unfortunately we sort of knew what to expect after 4+ days of this illness dragging on. I have to admit I feel like the worst mother at times like this because there just isn't enough "me" to go around and I end up worn very thin and feel more than frazzled. Thankfully I am not up for any mother of the year awards, so it's okay that my house turns into a disaster from Playdough and paints and couch cushion forts and anything else that gets dragged out or in. It's far cry from Buckingham Palace around here, but I'm trying to convince myself that being "normal" is sometimes better than being royal anyway. I snapped some pictures of Teague and Crew just a little bit ago because the more cushions they pulled off the couch and the 'higher' they climbed onto pillows, the happier they seemed to be. It made me pause and realize that what I see as a "mess", they interpret as pure joy! The same thing seems to happen with playdough and paints too. I hope that my kids will grow up thanking me for allowing them to be creative and to explore things rather than remembering that all I did was yell at them to clean up.

It's hard to strike a balance- especially with such a big, diverse group of people in one home. The house is not often that clean and tidy and typically someone needs a nap or a snack or their bed linens washed and dried, or even just a snuggle to make them feel better. I'm no superhero and simply do my best to stay "caught up" as best as possible. Seeing past the chaos to the fun on their faces and the fact that their only kids once is what I'm trying my best to do right now. I figure if I actually pull that off, well then maybe our life will feel like the fairytale most people dare dream it to be.

Keeping it simple.

2011-04-27T19:37:00.005-04:00

If you've had any experience around children you know that all too often you give them things and toys and go all out- and then they prefer the box or the string that came wrapped around the package.

Teague is no different. He has been fussing the past few days as his first two teeth are starting to make their appearance. Nothing we bring to him to play with or suck on has made him happy for more than a minute or two. Until he got his hands on this empty water bottle. You would have thought by his reaction and attention to it that it was the latest, greatest toy to hit the market. I sometimes forget that less is more. It's a challenge to keep things picked up and tidy around here with as many kids and ages as we have in our home. Now that Teague is getting more adept at getting around I'm thinking it's the perfect time to scale back on stuff.

We did manage to get a family picture on Easter this past Sunday while our friend Rachael was with us. She knows more than most how much effort goes into even the simplest family photo. We aren't the most photogenic bunch, but I'm learning to be happy with any results just as long as we're all in the shot. Keep it simple. So much easier said than done, but I'm going to give it a try!

How about you? What sort of things do you do each week to simplify things in your home and with your family. I'd love to hear your favorite tips, techniques, shortcuts and whatever else works well for you! Please share!

Not just a box...

2011-04-19T12:54:00.002-04:00

This is probably the most difficult post I've ever tried to put into words. The photo doesn't begin to capture what I wish to share and nothing could have ever prepared me for getting such a package in the mail. Inside the box are Teagan's remains. They were sent from the funeral home where Teagan was cremated and have been kept there for nearly 10 years. Last week they came- registered mail. We knew they would be arriving as a result of the home changing some things up and we've known for almost 10 years that we would have to make a decision of what to do with the contents of such a box. Still, nothing prepares you for getting such a package. It now sits on a shelf with some miscellaneous storage items until we can finally make a decision on how, when and where to inter Teagan's remains.
Let me just say that my heart aches all over again for the life Teagan lived and how short it was. My heart hurts at how sudden she was gone and it hurts at how often- even now- something in my day reminds me of her or wishes her back to experience something she never got the chance to do. The wound of losing her feels fresh and stabbing when I look at that box. Yet I know she's gone from this earth forever and my heart still rejoices at the thought of reuniting with her in Heaven again. Someday.
But for now, the reality of what we had, what we loved, what brought so much joy, and what really remains after losing Teagan is a tough thing to grasp. At the time of Teagan's death it was an 'easy decision' for Chip and I to have her tiny body creamated. She looked practically perfect- even though she sustained fatal injuries in our incident. But because Wyndham was so critically ill and not expected to survive her injuries, and because Chip was hospitalized for a few weeks at that time too, it was a simple choice to have her cremated. We then had two different memorial services for Teagan about a month after her death- and one another month later back 'home' in Minnesota with family and friends.
We never dreamed as a young couple starting our family and careers that we would need to make a decision about what to do at the time of the death of a child. Our lives were so full of promise and it wasn't something that ever crossed our minds. Even as we had recently had a scare and nearly lost Wyndham. Just 6 months earlier. I think we felt invinceable. We weren't the "kind of people" that tragedy happened too. Those were the people we read about in the papers and watched on nightly news.
But here we are. Ten years later wondering what will we do next with a box that holds a huge piece of our hearts. There are lots of options in place. But none of them seems right to us yet. We're leaning most toward one day taking our family to the ocean- where Teagan ran and splashed and laughed and played when we lived in Florida- and spreading her ashes out across the waves.
For now, my heart is tender and moved to think that the energetic, blond-haired, blue-eyed girl that sang and danced circles around me and everyone she met could end up in a tiny box that came shipped to our home via registered mail. My world feels oh so upside-down at times. Yet I still cling to the promise that yes, we WILL see her again. That yes, there IS more to this life than that which our eyes can see. And when I close my eyes and feel the tears begin to well in them and a lump inches up in my neck making it hard for me to breathe, I remind myself that she was mine. I held her, loved her, kissed her, danced with her, sang with her, blew bubbles with her, had Coke floats with her, pushed her on the swings and rolled out pie dough with her. We ate apples and rhubarb and lobster and cupcakes and Tootsie Rolls and chocolate chip pancakes together. We fell asleep in each other's arms and together felt safe and happy and ready to take on whatever the world would send our way.
We may have gotten Teagan's remains in the mail last week. But in my heart I know her spirit still soars and that makes my heartache a tiny bit more bearable. Until we meet again.

Through the clouds...

2011-03-31T12:42:00.002-04:00

{ Photo credit goes to Sante.boschianpest originally posted here. } I've been heavy hearted for a long while now. There are many reasons why that is, but today I am beginning to see a tiny bit of Light breaking through the clouds. Or possibly it is that I have been walling out the Light and am finally at the point of being vulnerable enough to crack open my heart and let something into my brokeness again. Either way I just have to say that it feels amazing to sense that a brighter day is coming. Even if it's still a long way off. I am going to trust that Joy is closer than I think and I'm choosing to seek it again. I have been soul searching and asking tough questions of God and faith and wondering how come He doesn't make life easier when He holds that power. Not that I have a right to know- but sometimes I feel like I need answers before I can move forward and take the next step. This is how God spoke to me today. As I stood in my kitchen with my hands scrubbing dishes in soapy, warm water. I heard unmistakeable truth. I know I'm not alone in wondering and questioning and feeling as though God has turned a deaf ear to my cries sometimes. So today I share with you what God impressed on my heart and mind in hopes that it might encourage someone else. Someone like you. "Faith is not the absence of asking questions, but the ability to press on without all the answers." The prayer I jotted down in my journal today reads: Thank you, God, for giving me Your peace and presence in times when I find myself at the end of my rope. I praise You for holding on to me when I'm the one ready to let go. Thank you for helping my hurting heart to trust and rest in You. Amen. I pray that God will shine through whatever darkness clouds your life today. I'm so grateful for the promise that the best is yet to come!

She got her wish...

2011-03-18T09:37:00.003-04:00

Today is Teagan's birthday. She would be 14, but as I've shared before, in my heart and mind she is four forever. This is the way I will remember her always. I will never forget how excited she was to be turning four. She wanted a butterfly cake and she got one. She actually celebrated her birthday twice that year. The second time she decorated her own mini cake with M & M's. She was surrounded by family and friends who loved and adored her. There was so much happiness and laughter in her world.

She got a lavendar Barbie Jeep and several other toys she wanted that year. She gave hugs and kisses in return. She was a bundle of love, joy, happiness and never-ending energy. There were days I felt like the luckiest mom to have such a special little girl in my life. From the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and then placed her next to my cheek I felt something I never imagined I could feel. My heart overflowed with love and blessing at such a wonderful gift. She changed me. She changed me from the inside-out.

Ten years ago she was one of the happiest little 4-year old girl I had ever known... and she had a wish. A truly unusual wish for someone who loved life and lived it with such zeal. She told me several times in the next few months after her birthday that "she wanted to be 4 forever". I tried to talk her out of such a wish. Not that I ever dreamed that it would come true. I couldn't have known that it would.

If I had known I would have lived differently. I would have smothered her even more with love and hugs and praise and kisses. I would have breathed in her beauty and expressions and I would have taped her voice singing and laughing and I would have snapped a thousand more pictures of her too. I would have sung her to sleep and stayed next to her through the night just to memorize how she felt and soaked up her warmth a bit more. I would have run my fingers through her hair and wrapped my finger around her pinky even more tightly each time we pinky promised to love each other forever.

I couldn't have imagined such a childish wish coming true. But for some reason, beyond that which I will ever know or understand, she got her wish and that wish changed my life forever. Today is a day of remembering and wishing and dreaming and even for being thankful. I still feel like the luckiest mom some days. Today, as much as my heart is forever torn, I feel grateful. Grateful to have been given the gift of Teagan. Even if it was only 4 short years.

Happy Birthday Teagan, my little dream girl who still brings me to laughter and tears. You'll always be the love of my heart.

I'm still learning...

2011-03-16T09:19:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Chip took Wyndham to get her haircut. She hasn't had it cut in over a year and her hair is really thick and basically has been pulled back in a ponytail for the past several months now. Because of the length of her hair she was able to donate it to "Locks of Love". She seems to understand that she did a good thing and you can see by her smile that she is happy with her new hairstyle. I think it feels lighter and maybe has helped to lift her spirits a bit too.
What I learn from Wyndham over and over again is that disabilities don't have to define a person. She has been proof of that too many times to count in the past 10 years. As I think back through all of the challenges she has had to overcome and still faces, it's humbling. It's humbling because while she does have sad and down times she still manages to bring smiles to those of us who spend our lives with her and she even helps others too!
Too often I, and so many others, can make our problems bigger and make them everyone else's problems too, just by holding onto the hurt. Wyndham is teaching me that you need to just let it go. The way to freedom from whatever one's disability- whether it's physical or mental or any kind of disability- is that you don't need to let it hold you back. She certainly doesn't like not being able to walk or talk, but those things don't change her heart. She has a way of loving and giving and making life brighter for people around her in spite of all the things that make it tough for her to do so.
I'm learning lessons from her that aren't taught in life- but lived in life. She makes me want to be better. She makes my life better just by being in it. And that's an amazing thing for anyone to do. I hope her life in some way challenges you too. Or simply adds a smile to your day. That's what she would want to share with you if she could. Here's to brightening the world today in some way today- no matter how big or small it may be!

Today was a great day for Buttercream icing.

2011-03-14T21:51:00.002-04:00

She's pink and sweet and ruffly and soft and festive and happy almost all the time. We're so lucky to have had her in our lives for 7 years now. Happy Birthday to our little Ava. She's added so much joy to our hearts and lives. I hope I get to make her birthday cakes for many more years too. =)

All things considered...

2011-03-11T08:10:00.003-05:00

See these smiles and that happy face? Well, I know you can sense the struggles in my life right now, but the fact is I am still one lucky lady- all things considered. I am one who knows full well that even on my darkest days I still have so much to be thankful for and that my life holds many blessings. I'm not unaware of that.

Simply knowing that Jesus love has covered my sins and secured a place for me in Heaven is more than enough to satisfy my soul. But as a human and a stressed out one at times I lose sight of that. Hence the feeling of being overwhelmed and wishing things different for a long while now. But today. Today is another day. A new day. A day to see blessing. To feel grateful. To behold the blessings and gifts in my life- whether they are covered in sweet potatoes or dirt or markers. It's a day to thank God that things are as good as they are- when they could indeed be much worse. My heart goes out to so many friends and family I know who are battling life-threatening illnesses, mourning loved ones and lost dreams, and to those most recently touched by tragedy of nature in the tsunami/earthquake in Japan.

I have it pretty good and I must say that to focus on that makes a happy heart. Blessings to you wherever you are in this big world of ours. May your heart be secure about your eternity and be happy for today as a result.

Time for a new outlook...

2011-03-09T09:47:00.004-05:00

Bella just got glasses yesterday. Moments after the kids came home from school/therapy the girls had a short photoshoot. Wyndham wanted in on the action. She was all smiles for the camera and was hamming it up for the girls. She can be very animated at times- especially when she feeds off the silliness of the other kids.

These pictures make me realize something I need to remind myself of more and more these days. That is just how much my attitude and reactions to things affect how my kids and other people react around me. Life has been more than tough and 'draining' around here the past 6 months or more. It seems like I keep saying that, but it's the truth.

Teague is a very happy, content baby. But he takes really short naps during the day and still wakes at night. Being content can still make for a tired momma. =) Add to that our hyper-active Crew. When I say 'hyperactive' I seriously mean that. He rarely calms down from morning til night. He fights to keep up with the older siblings and often stays ahead of them, or literally climbs all over them- just because that's how he rolls. He doesn't have an off switch and can turn on the 'bad attitude switch' just by waking up in the morning. It's been extra challenging for both Chip and me- and then the other kids too- as none of our other kids have ever been so demanding and strong-willed. He has his mind made up about things and there's little we can do to snap him out of his dramatic behaviors no matter how many activities we come up with for him. We like to joke that he has "2 minutes of nice-ness in him each day so don't use it up too quickly and enjoy it while it lasts". But we're still trying to find ways to manage the day-to-day happenings around here and keep telling ourselves that this time in our lives won't last forever.

It only feels like it will.

The update on Wyndham came yesterday when she had an appointement with her orthopedic surgeon. She has been very tenative about bearing weight and trying to walk still. It's been over 5 months since her surgery and the truth about her recovery is that we're more than wishing she were further along in getting back to her 'old self'. We weren't ever told to expect that it would take this long to get her mobile again. After her doctor visit yesterday we were told it could take up to about a year for her to have her full strength and mobility back. So I guess she is well on her way. She will be fitted for another set of AFO's and hopefully this next pair will give her more confidence and ease with getting on her feet again. She's definitely got her personality back most days. So that is a good thing.

I'll admit it right here- since I always like to keep it honest and real around here- I'm the one that feels like a failure most of the time and I'm ready to give up most days before I even finish my first cup of coffee. I feel like no matter how hard I try to see the good in the bad, or to bring happiness out of difficulties, or to trust that God is doing something that we can't see, that it just doesn't seem like it matters. In my heart I know it does and I understand that there are times in our lives that fighting for something is the only way to make it happen. But making healthy meals and staying on top of laundry and repeatedly getting Crew out of trouble and staying on top of homework and offering stimulating activities for Wyndham in her limited ability state and so much more seems to be taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm no longer able (and growing less willing) to keep up with the demands. I feel like each day I fall short and in so doing I 'lose a part of me' and go into the next day with less confidence and abilities. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually I feel like I am failing myself- and then failing everyone around me as a result.

There's still a part of me that says "don't throw in the towel quite yet". I have to say that Chip is a fighter too and he keeps saying we need to just hang in there and he definitely is the glue making our lives work much of the time. God seems awfully quiet even though I keep reading the Bible, have daily quiet times and devotions, and listen to praise and worship music. I'd love for my heart to feel the contentness that I've so often experienced in the past. I really truly want to find my way back to a positive, joyful me. I'm stumbling right now on my way and you know, I would love and appreciate any prayers that you guys have to offer up for me. All is not lost, but many of you know life can be tough for so many reasons.

I'm hanging on and thanking God when there are smiles to capture in pictures and praying that He will bring more peace and happiness to our hearts and home. The journey is still winding and twisting, but I want to believe that it is beautiful and worth all the struggles in the end. I think it's more than time for me to embrace a new outlook on life. I think I'm ready too.

From 6 mos. to 12 yrs.

2011-02-19T14:47:00.003-05:00

Today Teague is 6 months old. He had his first tiny taste of whipped cream from off of Brock's birthday cake last night. Even after all the babies I have had the privilege of raising I am still amazed at how quickly they grow into their own personalities. Even more so I am amazed at how much the little ones want to be like the big ones.
In these pictures you can see a glimpse of how Teague looks up to Crew already. What you can't see is how Crew pushes himself to be just like his older siblings. It's not competition- but more a strong desire to have and/or get to do what the other kids are doing.

And then I look on and wish for them to stay little and innocent just as long as they can! No wonder there is tension around here. =)

Brock was thrilled to score his first points at a basketball game this afternoon. The world still holds a lot of firsts for all of my kids. I am feeling blessed to be the one to look after them and to celebrate big and small milestones with them. It's a real chore with ongoing challenges every single day and with never-ending piles of laundry to do too. Yet I know I will look back at this time in our lives and say, "those were truly days of wonder and joy". I don't want to forget the importance of these days- from 6 months to 12 years and everything beyond too. They will be a blur for me someday not too far from now.

So I'm treasuring today. I hope you do the same!

When he came along...

2011-02-18T16:57:00.002-05:00

Twelve years ago Brock was born into our lives and my heart and arms had never been more full. We all fell in love with him more and more as he grew- and that's still true today. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the demands of two little ones at that time. (Teagan was not quite 2 when Brock was born.) That thought now makes me laugh when I compare life "then" to life "now". Oh how things have changed- and it really is hard to believe how quickly the years have gone by!

Brock still holds such a special place in our hearts and lives. He's gone from being the younger brother- very much a follower- to a dependable, exemplary bigger brother to a house full of kids. He brings a lot of laughter into our home. He is always willing to lend a hand to help out in any number of ways and he does it without complaining 99% of the time too.

He has big dreams for his future and I know he has the passion and perseverance in him to make them happen too. I feel lucky to have such a great kid born to me. Even though I'm his mom I consider him a great friend. I think the feelings are mutual. At least for now. =)

When Brock came along so many things in our lives changed that day. For the better!

Happy Birthday, Brock! We love you!

{The "winner" from the previous post is #17- Chris Cross. Email me your mailing address and I will send you some mail!}

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T13:28:00.003-05:00

I can't help but share a little bit of love with everyone that stops by here today. Heather (#36 in the comments from the previous post) is the winner of mail from me. But because I am feeling extra nice- or just nostalgic about handwritten mail- I've decided to pick one more person to get some mail from me. So leave another comment telling me your favorite dessert and I'll choose another person from these comments to get some mail.
But everyone wins today because I am passing along one of my Buttercream recipes! Yay for Valentine's, cupcakes, and homemade frosting that tastes divine, right?! This recipe is one from out of a children's book that I have made a couple of times. It's fairly easy and it is so creamy, sweet and velvety. We all love it around here! It makes enough for one cake or 24 cupcakes. Unless you like your frosting super thick. Then it will likely only cover 12 cupcakes for you. =)
Buttercream Icing
Ingredients:
4 Eggs
2/3 cup of sugar
1 cup butter, room temp (I use unsalted butter.)
1 tsp. vanilla extract
Directions: Whisk together egg whites and sugar in a bowl. Place bowl in a double boiler on low heat. Whisk occasionally until sugar is dissolved and mixture is very warm- about 150 degrees F. Remove from double boiler and whip with mixer on high speed until stiff peaks form. Put mixer on lower speed and add butter in small pieces. Next, add vanilla and mix until smooth.
Tint icing as you like.
Enjoy!!
P.S. Heather email me your address and I'll send you some mail! {nitty.grittyjodyatyahoodotcom}

Long lost art...

2011-02-11T12:53:00.005-05:00

I have gone through a few boxes of miscellaneous stuff that I received a few months ago when my Grandma Shirley passed away. She was and always will be so dear to my heart. Her love and life inspired me when she was here and still touches me even though she's gone. She lived a very unique and yet ordinary life- from her birth to her death her life story is one I will forever treasure. Needless to say, as I look through some of the items she left behind I am so thankful for what a wonderful gift she was to me and so many others and I am so grateful for these miscellaneous items that connect me to her past. The are real treasures.

What you see in the photos above are just a few snapshots of some of the priceless items I feel lucky to have. In an old unmarked envelope thrown in with a box of recipe cards and old piano books and sheet music I came upon several letters that were saved from the early 1930's. Many of them were cards and notes sent to my great grandma on the birth of her little girl- my great aunt Phyllis. What I love about the cards/letters {as you can see in the top photo} is that they are hand-addressed with only a name and city and state. And they made it to their destination clear across the country! How amazing is that?! No zip code necessary, I guess! Things have changed in 80 years, I guess. =) What I really like about the old letters is seeing the handwriting and reading about the 'important' things that were worth writing home about. In one note from my great grandma's sister there is talk about the weather, what was in the oven for dinner, politics and the thought of looking forward to playing tennis and golf. It's easy to forget that there was a time when letters to weeks to be received and that chatting on the phone was impossible! We have it so easy with internet and cellphones, don't we?!

Among the treasures I also found a wedding invitation from my great grandma Lydia's wedding. It dates back to June of 1920- that's nearly 100 years ago! I can't believe it was just stuck in an envelope with no markings on it. It should have easily been in the trash and long lost by now. So that makes it even more exciting for me to have found it.

There's a full and much-loved/used composition notebook which was used to keep recipes and other newspaper clippings inside with practical household tips. You know something is old when many of the recipes are about pickling things and also some that include rabbit and chicken livers! One of the recipes I found has "over 100 years old" scrawled across the top of the card. It's mixed in with other recipes dating from 1967 to 1974. So that makes this Oatmeal Raisin Cookie recipe about 150 years old! I plan on making a batch just to see how they taste. There's also a cake recipe with the notation "Used for Genie's 5th birthday" next to it. Genie is my mom. I can't tell you how fun it's been for me to find such a book rich with memories, notes and lots of speckled splatters from the cooks as they went about their baking.

It got me thinking how some of the greatest treasures we have and will pass on aren't necessarily the things we spend a lot of money on, but instead the things that mean so much are things that connect us to past generations- to people and their lives. I have always loved getting and sending letters. I love to add lots of handwriting to cards I send- especially as things move more electronic and digital these days. I love writing notes in my journal and on scrap pages. I hope one day they will be treasured by people whose lives I've touched and left behind too.

In the spirit of that, the bottom photo is one of some sweet Valentine goodies I received from my {online} friend, Debee. Here is a link to her fun blog. She is so creative and has great photos to look at- check it out! Anyway, I thought I would have a little giveaway- I'll make up a little something with the things I got and some other scrappy things I have in my collection and I'll choose a random winner by tomorrow. I'm in the mood to send something handmade- somewhere. If you want a chance to be the recipient just say hello in the comments and feel free to tell me something you love about the past. I think it's more than time to bring back the fleeting art of handwritten mail. Wouldn't you agree?!

Time for a little break...

2011-02-08T13:07:00.004-05:00

I guess I didn't realize how long it's really been since I've popped in here and said hello. It's not like I don't have things to blog about- I do- but more that I never have a chance to get free time to do so! I sometimes feel like I am living the real-life version of the movie, Groundhog's Day. You know where each day is the same as the one before it?! With the winter dragging on here in Michigan and with three of my kids demanding diaper changes and near constant attention- not to mention packing lunches and getting in baths and daily routine stuff- it can feel like all I do is the same thing day in and day out! Which isn't the worst thing to have happen in life. I'm the first to tell you how much I like ordinary days. BUT, I do have to say I enjoy a little time to create, to play, to have fun, to not have to just fold laundry =), and to just get a chance to do something different once in awhile.

After a snow day due to the big national blizzard last week I decided I needed a little something so I signed up to do a Valentine card swap that I found on the Pink Couch blog. Sometimes I just need to force myself into doing something creative and crafty- for no real reason except for a break from routine. I made the card you see above and Crew did some coloring and cutting next to me while I made it.

Wyndham is still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair. She does physical therapy a couple of times per week, but it has been slow going for her to get back strength and more so is her lack of desire to push herself a little harder this time around. We're hoping with more sunshine and springtime in the near future that it will boost her energy and desire to get back on her feet. Thanks to many of you who keep praying for her. We are all anxious to see her get some independence back!

I hope that I will be able to get back to posting more regularly too. I've missed writing {and thinking!} and sharing thoughts and hearing yours too. I am in need of finding more balance in life and taking more breaks that actually refill my heart, mind and soul. If you have a great tip or suggestion on how you recharge your life I'd love to hear it! Happy Tuesday everyone!

Two of my boys...

2011-01-19T18:55:00.003-05:00

I was going to title this post, "Look what happens when you eat non-processed food... you lose your hair!" But that was kind of lengthy and I don't want to scare anyone away from good eating. =) The fact is Brock likes his hair a little longer. And he doesn't like to get his haircut. So when he finally gets a cut he likes to go short so that he has a longer space of time before his next cut. Smart kid. I like it somewhere in them middle. But I love him to bits no matter how his hair is! As you can see Brock is a great big brother too. He and Teague are going to grow out their hair together this time around. =)

She's happiest when...

2011-01-15T17:11:00.003-05:00

Guess who spends most of her time sitting in a wheelchair, but got outside to go sledding for a few minutes today? Yep, that's Wyndham! We've been getting lots of white, fluffy snow the past few days and Wyndham was watching Chip pulling Crew in the sled and he was all smiles. I asked her if that looked like fun and if she wanted a turn too. She got a huge grin on her face. She didn't even have to say "yes". I just knew we had to make it happen for her.

Sometimes she thinks things look fun that the other kids around her are doing, but she herself is hesitant or not interested in actually doing it herself. So I asked her a few more times as she continued to watch Crew and she did nod her head as she kept grinning.

Bundling up a 10 year old girl who can't help all that much in getting her snow clothes on was a bit tricky. Getting her out the door and into the sled waiting for her outside was tricky too. But I was happy to help make it happen, and so was Chip. Our driveway is fairly steep and Chip said she laughed outloud everytime they made it to the bottom.

She even had hot chocolate when she came inside. =)

The other pictures here are of Wyndham on her cooking night with Daddy. They made some asian-style beef stirfry and she was able to stand next to the pot and stir the sauce for a minute- which she felt so grown up doing. You also see some homemade macaroni and cheese {which the kids all ate well} and a whole-grain chocolate banana cream pie too. We've been sticking to our non-processed food diet for the majority of our meals and as you can see we're eating well. Our house usually smells great and feels warm because of the extra heat coming from the oven these days. It's been fun to try lots of new recipes too!

While Wyndham is still almost full-time in her wheelchair since her surgery back in September, we're always so glad to see her wanting to jump in and do something that the other kids are doing. She is often so content to just sit back and watch or just find something else to do. But when her eyes light up and a grin spreads across her face, we can't help but sense her happiness and her desire to be as much like the rest of her siblings, even though she has limitations. Her little outing in the sled today reminded me that sometimes we need to just go for it. I hold back and don't jump into as much fun as I should sometimes because it's just so much easier to look on or make excuses of which I am queen.

Witnessing Wyndham's joy in the littlest things like cooking and sledding has inspired me all over again today. I hope you feel a bit inspired by her little {major!} triumphs too. I know I look forward to finding happiness in some unusual and unexpected ways this year!

Four months.

2011-01-11T09:11:00.002-05:00

The past four months have literally felt like forever in some regards, and then I look at the photos of Teague and realize just how quickly they have flown by! He's not such a tiny baby anymore. He has definitely filled out in body size and we often comment about how he's our biggest kid and we wonder how big he'll be when he's all grown up. He is definitely the most easy-going little one of all the kids and he is so observant and wanting to see all the action that goes on around our house.

Crew is a wonderful big brother- even though in almost every other aspect of life he is demanding and overbearing. We're very thankful that he has such a soft spot toward Teague. Teague loves any and all attention and so the relationship between these two is growing almost as fast as Teague's body right now. =) I couldn't help but set Teague up in the orange Bumbo seat and snap some pictures of him- just as I had done with Crew at the same age. The comparison picture just makes me smile as I immediately see similarities and differences. It's so fun to be able to watch Teague's personality emerging a little bit more each day.

We love having him in our family and his laughter and curiosity and huggable-ness (I know that's not a word but I couldn't help myself.) and his cuteness are some of the best parts of our days right now. We feel lucky to have had him in our lives for 4 months already. We feel lucky to be the family to watch him grow and give him love.

I have a feeling the next four months are going to fly by even more quickly!

Beyond cake and french fries...

2011-01-06T14:53:00.003-05:00

We do our fair share of partying and eating cake and things with whipped cream on them around our house, but I wanted to share a few photos and thoughts about food and what's going on in our home right now.

Just before Christmas we got inpired by the movie "SuperSize Me" which I had heard about before but had never seen. After seeing only a part of it I was ready to make some changes with our diets- not that we eat that much fast food, but simply because it helped open my eyes to just how much preocessed foods we do consume around here. Especially when it comes to the kids' school lunches.

Jamie Oliver has been on his Food Revolution kick and we have found several recipes to try and are finding that our kids actually will eat certain healthy food options that we wouldn't have guessed they would eat. What's going on in our kitchen right now is that we're making a conscious effort to change the foods we eat on a daily basis and trying very hard to include foods that are fresh and homemade. It's not an easy task when you're used to opening spaghetti noodles and a jar of pasta and mixing them together and calling it 'dinner'.

Chip happens to be a very good cook. He could be a gourmet chef at a fine dining establishment. He has taken on the responsibility of not only making most of the meals, but also of having one of our kids join him in the kitchen as his sous chef each night too. The kids are absolutely loving their chance to help make food and also love being taught cooking techniques and given responsibilities for the entire meal. The person that helps Daddy each night also helps to set the table and clean up too.

What we are finding is that there is a lot of positive things going on simply by making this one lifestyle change. For starters, the food is healthier and therefore we should be feeling better. So far I can't say we see pounds melting off or muscles bulking up- but we do feel better about what we're putting into our bodies! The kids are also excited to eat, not only the meals they make, but they seem to enjoy trying what each other makes too. They sort of have a game going on about who has made the best thing so far and they challenge each other to try stuff- just because they are proud of what they create. Also, it gets them away from things like tv and computer screens and Wii games and instead they are really enjoying their time with Chip in the kitchen as well as learning about new foods and kitchen tools. It's a win-win so far!

Although we do have some challenges. One is we have very little access to "good, quality" food. There aren't any high-end grocery stores of big co-ops or chains like Whole Foods. So we are modifying some recipes and also when you eat non-processed foods you have to grocery shop more often for fresh ingredients. Which is spendier than stuff like boxed Mac & Cheese, but hopefully we will see benefits that far exceed the extra cash this kind of healthy living requires.

We are loving this recipe for No-Knead Bread. We've made several loaves in the past couple of weeks- both white and whole-grain wheat. It's very good- especially when it's fresh and hot! It's so simple too! Love that when it comes to eating better.

Also, as I noted, Jamie Oliver's website has lots of great recipes and we're also just trying to eat more fruits and veggies. We got an apple peeler and have used it more times than I can count already. My kids love to watch the apples spin as their peels come right off. We are easily amused, I guess. =) That photo of the eggs in the pan is Jamie Oliver's recipe called Bubble and Squeak. It is made with leftover roasted vegetables and potatoes. Delicious! The last photo is a picture of one of the kids' plates the night Ava helped Chip to make Shrimp Cakes with Papaya puree. The kids loved them and we will be making that recipe again.

I plan to share more recipes here that we find to be easy, healthy and kid-friendly. I'd love for any of you to leave links to recipes or share some of the healthy food options that your family enjoys too.

Isabella asked us "How long are we planning to do this healthy cooking thing?" and to that we answered, "Hopefully forever!". I know a lot of people get excited about healthy living this time of year, but we're hoping that these healthy options become a natural part of our routine around here. The best thing we can do is try, right?!

Celebrating Wyndham's Birthday!

2011-01-04T17:38:00.004-05:00

Today our family is celebrating Wyndham's 10th birthday! We kept it simple- as we do most things around here and that meant Crew was helping me bake a chocolate cake at 9 am this morning. The only kind of chocolate cake I liked when I was a girl was my mom's Wacky Cake recipe. So when Wyndham signed that she wanted "Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting" to me when I asked her about her birthday cake I knew I was going to make her a cake from scratch.

She deserves the real deal!

It's hard to believe that she is actually 10 years old. I still remember everything about the day she was born- and a whole lot of the events that have transpired over her decade of life too. Teagan was so proud to be a big sister again and she and Chip decided on the name Wyndham. Weighing in at only 4 lbs. 6 oz. and yet being full-term, we should have known Wyndham was extraordinary from the very start.

She has been through more ups and downs than any of the rest of us in this family and yet she has a smile on her face so often and a glimmer in her eye that only fades usually only during her extreme medical challenges.

I have cried out to God to spare her life more than once. I have also wondered why God has allowed so much suffering her life so many times too. Too many times to count. And still God gives her grace for all she goes through. And some of it rubs off of her onto the rest of us and we feel strength and grace from God through her.

That's pretty amazing for a little girl who can't walk or talk right now and just turned 10.

She is very special and loved by all of us who are lucky enough to be her family. She is loved by a lot of friends and family near and far too.

As rough as she's had it, I have this feeling that if she could talk she would tell you that she feels like a lucky girl more often than not.

We're really hoping that she starts gaining more strength to be able to walk again soon. The fact that she has overcome so much in the past 10 years makes me believe in her for this current challenge and for future ones too.

Happy Birthday, dear Wyndham!

You are so loved and we hope you enjoyed your simple birthday party with us today. Love, Your Family

Merry Christmas.

2010-12-25T14:46:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas from me and all my family- in Heaven and on earth. I've often wished for a photo with all of us looking into the camera at the same time. {Simple wishes!} This year we got it. So my new wish is that we'll all be looking at the camera next time AND that Wyndham will be back on her feet like the rest of us.

As always, we keep Teagan's memories close within our hearts and we thank God for the hope we await when we will celebrate and worship Him around His throne in glory. Someday!

Merry, merry Christmas to you.

Christmas connections.

2010-12-23T15:24:00.002-05:00

I feel so thankful for the childhood Christmas memories I have- the decorations and music and programs and friends and family and food were always perfect when I grew up. I can't begin to pull off such magic when it comes to Christmas around here. Even as I tried to do some baking and had the kids listening to my Grandma's records from Christmas's past as they colored Christmas pictures, the Norman Rockwell afternoon turned sour as Crew dry-erase markered the carpet, his pants and socks.

It turned from the nice, pleasant winter afternoon to scolding and time-out and frustrations all around. I sometimes wish I could just turn back the hands of time and hang onto the way it used to be for awhile longer. Today I looked around and noticed that although it's not the way I remember it or wished it could be, it's not all that bad and certainly I hope that my kids will find that there are parts of these days they will want to recall years from now too.

It may not be perfect. But the story and the reason we celebrate is still the same. And for that I am grateful- now and always. May you be blessed, wherever you are and however your holiday turns out, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus- the Savior come to earth! Immanuel- God with us. What a glorious thought to meditate on as Christmas draws near. His love is all we need for our Christmas and our lives to be complete!

Happiness is buttercream today!

2010-12-20T15:15:00.002-05:00

Today is my birthday. I have often wished that I didn't have a "Christmas birthday"because it is such a busy time of year and everyone is so focused on the upcoming holiday that it sort of gets lost in the shuffle. But today when Chip brought home a Coconut-covered frosted 3-layer Buttercream/bavarian cream cake, I didn't mind one bit. =)

It was delicious!

As I reflect on this past year I can honestly tell you it has had such highs and lows that I sort of feel I've aged more than just one year. (I am 38 now- for those of you who might be wondering.) The greatest joy has been the birth and addition of baby Teague- who is now 4 months old and just "found" his toes today. He started 'talking to them' when he woke up this morning. Totally kicked off my day in a good way. =) I love simple gifts and that was special for sure.

I am so very happy today for the health of all of my family- that is never a guarantee and something I took for granted far too many years. Now I know how wonderful it truly is just to have my husband and kids singing "Happy Birthday to you" and eating cake together around our table.

I will tell you that I do miss Teagan on special days like this more than I do on many other 'ordinary' days. I still recall so clearly the last birthday I shared with her on this day 10 years ago. She, along with Chip and Brock, came to the print shop where I was working doing graphic design layout work and they brought me a Chocolate Bread Pudding with real Whipped Cream and we dug in and enjoyed every last bite of that with my friends the Websters- who owned the shop. Later I got some gifts at home and took some pictures of Teagan that are very much treasures to me. I remember she gave some big hugs and kisses to me too!

I have learned in my 38 years, that the greatest gifts most often aren't things at all. But memories and sharing laughter with loved ones and simply being 'present in the moment' for sure. I loved my cake today, not just for its yummy icing, but moreso because it was shared with the people I care most about in this whole wide world. My birthday wish is to get to eat cake with them all for many years to come!

Shining examples of love~

2010-12-16T08:52:00.003-05:00

Today my parents are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary and I just want to let them know how happy I am for them! Although we live hundreds of miles apart, they are the biggest supporters of me and I am so thankful for their love for one another and for my family over the years.
They married young and had 5 kids and have been through many ups and downs through the years. They have worked and served alongside one another for nearly their entire married life. And they are still together and thriving- which is quite a testament of their love and devotion to each other and to God. My parents are not perfect and we have had our differences at certain stages in life, but I can honestly say that I am a better person for having them in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes right in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes wrong too, and I know that even through trembling words on the phone that they will offer comfort, prayer, advice and sympathy too. Their love has helped to carry me through some of the most trying times in my marriage and family life and that is a gift that I can't put a price tag on.
I am so happy for them to have each other in this world. They bring out the best in one another, and seek to bring out the best in others around them too. I know that God planned for them to meet and marry and build a life together before they were even born. I am humbled and grateful that they have been such an amazing example to me of love and faithfulness in so many aspects of life. I treasure them as parents and friends and hope that on this day they know their love has made a world of difference in mine.
Happy Anniversary, Dad and Mom. Thanks for being such a blessing to me and others in all you say and do. May God grant you more love and happiness in the years to come!

His happy little world.

2010-12-04T15:25:00.004-05:00

Teague has been growing and changing so much the past few weeks. The top two pictures are him at 13 1/2 weeks, and the last three photos I snapped just minutes ago. Also, notice my smile. I do have things to be happy about everyday. It's just I've been struggling with happiness the past few months more than normal.

But Teague?

He's happy almost 100% of the time. Which I am very, VERY grateful for. His happiness makes me happy and I treasure the time we share in the mornings when he 'talks' and coos and just melts my heart with his cute expressions and there are no interruptions from anyone else in the house. I was watching him and talking to him yesterday when it dawned on me that he doesn't have a clue about anything our family has been going through lately. His world is nothing short of perfect right now. No wonder he is always happy! =)

It was a wonderful "light-bulb" moment for me to sit there and hold him and nuzzle his little head and let him squeeze my finger and to be able to just soak up his "perfect little world" for a few minutes. It made me realize that despite all the challenges and added stress in my life right now there is something so right going on here too. To realize that he is protected and secure and thriving in the midst of my confusion was just what I needed to focus my attention on- even if it was just for a few minutes in the rest of my crazy day. I needed and appreciated those moments of reflection and realization.

Later, as I was thinking about his "perfect world" right now I felt like I 'heard' God speaking to my heart. I've oftened thought about what the story of our lives will look like from the 'endpoint' perspective. I've told Chip and others that sometimes I wish I could just "flip to the end of the book" of our lives and see how it's all going to end up. Yesterday, in the middle of my thoughts as I drove home from a short shopping trip it occured to me as never before that I DO know the ending of our story. God is the ending! He has promised in His Word- the Bible- that He is preparing a place for those who love Him and believe that His Son, Jesus, died to save them from their sins. He has already overcome death and has an eternal glory awaiting us believers when our lives are complete here on earth. God has already numbered each and every day we have here on earth and has our future all mapped out too! It's not like it's a new concept for me to think about Heaven and eternity, but yesterday it hit me very differently as I realized that a perfect world awaits me and it will be more than worth every earthly struggle I endure in my lifetime. In fact I was thinking about all the struggles and hurts I've already endured and carry in my heart each day and I imagined that I was pouring out my trials into big buckets- as though I were filling buckets of water to the brim. Then I imagined that I was filling these buckets up along the shore of a vast waters in front of me- that vastness, like all the oceans on this world combined into one, was a glimpse of my eternity. I stood there in the picture of my mind and imagined myself pouring out a lifetime of hurt, imperfection, grief, heartache and struggle- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain- all of my buckets I tossed into the big water. And you know what?

It was swallowed up and mixed in with the vast ocean instantly.

I felt like God was showing me that He saw my hurt. He understood that I had a lot of 'water' weighing me down- and the truth is I will have more as the years go on. But the reality is that in the end, all my earthly suffering will be consumed the moment I step foot in glory and there is no way I could begin to hold onto these hurts or even be able to notice them when eternity begins. They will cease. The darkness and pain that seems to surface and catch me off-guard so many times in life will not exist in Heaven.

I felt a certain peace and calm as I thought about it yesterday and even more as I think about it today. My daily struggles are like drops of water in buckets that once poured into the ocean of the Glory that has been promised me will not matter. Not one tiny drop! I am so thankful that God showed up in my life this way and spoke to my heart in such a powerful, visual way. I know that I still need to hold onto this truth and realization that God has a plan and a purpose and He will make all things new one day. The days here may not always be happy and goodness knows they are not perfect! Except maybe for Teague for a little while longer. =) But there is something far greater, far richer, far beyond my wildest imaginations that will make the burdens of my life irrelevant in the end. I hope I can hold tight to that thought and certainly this post can serve as a reminder to me as we continue to face struggles in our lives. There is more to this life than that which we can see and I am thanking God that He gave me a glimpse of what is yet to come.

Also, I can't wrap this post up without telling you that Wyndham took her first few steps the night before last. She is still in her wheelchair almost 100% of the time, but she tolerated a few steps and that is a bright spot for us in our life right now. It's another glimpse that her time will come- her healing and recovery are ongoing, but she is making progress. Very tiny steps, but they certainly added some happy to our little world this week.

Thanks, so much, for praying us through this time in our lives. And even though we know how our story will ultimately end, I thank you for following along each chapter. We're grateful to be able to share the highs and lows and everything in between too.

Faltering.

2010-11-30T11:58:00.003-05:00

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

Just in time for Thanksgiving...

2010-11-22T23:04:00.003-05:00

It's been a long two months- for her and for us. If all goes well, Wyndham should have her casts off tomorrow! The next phase is for her to be fitted for some ankle-foot orthodics and she will wear them for an indefinite length of time. But the good news is she will be able to start bearing weight on her feet again.

We're hoping she will have minimal pain and that she will find it a relatively easy adjustment to relearn balance and get back on her feet again. As always, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Wyndham- as this time around she literally takes the next step! Just in time for us to have something to truly be thankful for at this time of year!

I might even be on top of my game to take a Flip video of her first steps when she takes them. If that happens, you can be sure I'll post it here. As any proud mom would do. =)

Thanks for helping to see us through the past couple of months and caring as much as you do. We are more than ready to put this tough phase of our lives behind us. It's much more exciting to look ahead than down and let me tell you, we're so ready to see Wyndham on her feet again. She's had enough 'computer/table time' for this year! =)

The kindness of strangers...

2010-11-18T18:04:00.002-05:00

You are all so supportive and your encouragement has been a blessing to me especially in the past 24 hours. I just wanted to stop in and say a big thank you for so many of you who have privately emailed me with your thoughts and prayers and words of inspiration to keep hanging in there right now, in addition to all of you who have left comments here too. It has helped me put things in perspective a bit and I'm feeling less 'alone' in this just knowing so many of you have been in the pits too and yet have found a way out. Or some of you are still trying to find a way out but willing to keep going too- just like us.
I will admit that I have been "sick and tired" of life being so hard on us. When I shared how Chip and I feel like we're ready to split our team up it stems more from us being frustrated with life's demands and the wish that things could be different- yet we're so 'stuck' with how things have to be right now. It's not that we don't love and care about one another and we're ready to call it quits, but almost the opposite- we sort of think that if one of us took on more of the 'problem issues' and the other person took the rest well then, at least a few of us would have a chance at happiness. Does that even make sense? It sounds funny when I type it out. But we've been here before. Here meaning at the end of our ropes- wishing things different- feeling like we can't be who we need to be to all the people who need us right now, and then thinking maybe we could cut our problems in half and at least salvadge life for part of our gang.
But it's not to be.
For lots of reasons.
And truthfully, we know that even trying to split the problems in half won't solve things, but instead add to the already long list of overwhelming issues in life right now.
I do think that as I've been able to write out some of what I'm feeling and thinking, as well as sharing it with some friends and with Chip that a lot of my hurt and inadequacies come from being Wyndham's mom and unable to change her circumstance and 'feeling' her pain and watching it but again, being unable to fix the hurt.
I will also say that as the time nears for her to get her casts off I have some new fears growing inside about how the next phase will go. I just want the world for her and have such love and respect for how well she has endured the past 8 weeks that I'm just holding out hope that she will get a bit of a reward for all she's been through. She's had more smiles than I have at times and I just know she is ready to move on from this situation of being so sedantary.
The kindness you have all shown through your understanding and words and emails has been a bit of what I needed to get through the rest of this week. To top it off though, Teague ended up with a horrible, 'barky' cough last night and he was checked out at Urgent Care today because of my growing concerns for him. At this point the doctor thinks it's a bit of croup and he was given some meds to help his breathing and cough. I just feel like one more big thing- like Teague being hospitalized- would be a bit too much right now. So I've been praying since early, early this morning and if you feel like joining me in prayers for his health I would love you all for that too.
It just seems that when I finally unload my burdens to whoever cares to listen, I am lighter for doing so and more clear in how to proceed. So thank you, thank you from me and all my family for walking through this not-so-hot part of our lives too.
I decided to lower my expectations a bit too- thanks to the advice and encouragement from many of you in that regards. I also sat on the couch nursing Teague today and told myself that how I was truly being productive at that moment- no matter how much my mind raced to other things on my to-do list that needed to get done. Sometimes, we women especially, can be so demanding of our own selves that we neglect to see just how important some of the 'little things' we do each day truly are in the scheme of things. I am vowing for the next however long I need to, to be less hard on myself, more tolerant of my little ones, and more appreciative of Chip. I think something as small as a shift in thinking can refocus and realign my heart and mind to better take on the challenges that life keeps sending our way. I hope I get around to baking something again soon too. There's something missing around our home and I think it might be the smell of baked goods. I'll be sure to pass along any recipes I whip up if that happens. Thanks again for all of your love, cares and prayers!

Down, but not totally out.

2010-11-17T12:15:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday the MN Vikings lost another football game bringing them to 3-6 for the season so far. Brett Favre stood in front of a swarm of media camera and microphones and made some post-game remarks about his losing team. As I sat on my couch and listened to his statements I commented to Chip- who sat across from me- that it was as though Favre were talking about our family. As the remarks about the losing team continued we found ourselves laughing at just how fitting the comments were to our family life right now.
We're in the homestretch of Wyndham's recovery from surgery and on the verge of the next phase; she will be fitted with orthodics and start therapy again. We're not sure what to fully expect once she's out of her casts, but we are crossing our fingers that things will get better from here on out, as we feel we've pretty much worn ourselves down and out the past 2 months.
As you can see from my lack of blogposts, I have not felt like writing, taking pictures, or even baking the past couple of weeks. That's a sign of just how rough things have gotten around here. Most often I turn to baking to relieve stress, so you know it's bad around here right now! =)
Truthfully, it has been bad and sad and ugly for several days. It's been stressful and I am sorry to say that I haven't done my best with our life circumstances the past 2 months. A part of me would like to blame post-partum blues. Which likely play a big part in how I've reacted to everything on our plates. Still, I have to admit and take responsibility for my actions and that means I have to say a big, "I'm sorry" to everyone in my family and some people who have been playing supporting roles to us at this time too.
Favre hit the nail on the head several times in his post-game remarks saying such things as, "There needs to be some changes made". His summery of the defeated Vikings team just matched my thoughts and feeling so much... but he also made a poignant statement where he said, "There's still a little bit of hope for us... there's still alittle life left in us". I was so glad to hear him say that because it actually was at that point that I laughed out loud and realized how true those words were. Not just for the losing Vikings, but for our family that has felt more than overwhelmed with life for weeks now. I'm so glad that we're down, but not without Hope. Even in hopelessness we first see HOPE!
I'm glad to tell you today is a new day. I feel like I am finally ready to admit that I've sunk far enough into the pit that life has dragged us into and I'm ready to start looking up- or wherever to find a way out. I do want to just tell the honest truth- more for me to look back on this for the next time I'm in life's pit- and say that I am awful down here. I 'look' awful- which means I haven't liked who I've become lately. I have yelled far too many times, said things I didn't mean, meant things I shouldn't have said, felt hurt and kept it in, hurt people by letting things out, and just all around been miserable to everyone- including me. I'm sorry to say I have let things get the best of me this time around and it goes without saying, but being a 'loser' has been no fun at all!
To be perfectly honest and blunt, Chip and I have had it with life and each other. Yes, there has been a lot of stress and demands we never anticipated and goodness- we haven't been taking care of ourselves the way we should be- simply because things are just that demanding. We haven't even slept in the same room for 2 months as Chip sleeps on a mattress next to Wyndham's bed because of her added needs right now. There just hasn't been a good opportunity for us to be much of a good team through all of this. We have talked and made mention of how life might be if we split our team up- that's how down we've been. The funny- or merciful thing- is that we can't even begin to think how to split our team up and make things work. We've got too much on our plates to divide up!
Today, honestly, I am thanking God that He has given us "too much" so that we can't even begin to figure out how to split up. Our problems are actually blessings that are being used to help hold us together in this season of defeat in our lives. Oh the irony of that!
I could share a whole lot more of what has gone on and continues to demand from us, but I won't. I just want to share my heart- even the heaviness of it- so that I might look back someday and see that even though the path isn't always rosy, it does keep winding and there is something around the bend worth forging ahead for.
We've been down, but we're not totally out. We're trusting that God will see us through even this ugly time we've been experiencing, and we're hanging on to the fact that we don't need to have all the answers in order to keep trying.
I have felt and 'heard' God's voice in my life in some still, small ways the past couple of days. I think He knew I needed something tangible. One of the ways He's spoken is through the messages from this website: Revive Our Hearts. The series- especially today's message- on the ABC's for Handling a Meltdown, have been so helpful to me. I don't know that I am fully out of this life pit yet, but I am happy to report I am headed in the right direction. I want to praise God for showing up and giving me more grace for the journey. Something I need no matter where I'm at in this world! I don't know if you need encouragement or help where you are right now or if you are at a place you simply want to praise God for blessings. But I'd love to invite you to praise God in the comments here and we can all give Him glory for the little and big things He has done and continues to do. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or we turn our backs on Him, He is still there. He never lets us down, and for that I am most grateful today!

These two little guys...

2010-11-05T09:43:00.002-04:00

So here I am trying to strike a balance and find time to update a blog while maintaining some sense of control in our home at the same time. Not an easy task with Crew around- he is ALL about being and acting like a 2 year old. Which, according to his pediatrician, is perfectly normal and acceptable for him. Since he is 2! In these photos he had pulled Brock's Batman t-shirt out of the clean laundry basket and proceeded to wear it proudly all day long. He is quite the character in real life- even without this type of t-shirt on. He is wild and demanding and loud and stubborn and smart and into everything; in addition, he knows what he wants. Did I mention he is demanding?! Oh yes he is. But he has this way of pouring on the charm too. We only wish he would be more charming- more often! We are worn very thin by his demands most days, but that little bit of love he gives somehow makes us hang in there with him and try to work things out. However that turns out to be. One day we will tell him all about how he acted when he was two and likely he will grow into someone fiercely independent and able to do amazing things. Because that's exactly how I would describe him right now. Only the "amazing things" he does right now most often get him in trouble!

His little brother, Teague, on the other hand is quite the opposite these days. He is so mellow and happy and just a little bundle of charm. His eyes light up at almost everything he sees and everyone of the kids can make him smile and coo now. It makes us all melt and he seems to know that and it leads to more smiling and cooing. Teague is so observant and aware of his surroundings now. He still loves to be held and cuddled and smothered with kisses. And although he is just 11 weeks, it seems as if we've had him around forever. We couldn't imagine life without him. He's added a lot of love and happiness to our lives already! Now we do know that he will be 2 one day too, but for now, we're soaking him up just the way he is.

Wyndham continues to spend long days in her wheelchair or laying on the couch. I've nearly worn my back out having to lift her and change her diapers a few times this week. My body was not made to lift 80 lbs, but we're are managing to get through this extra-trying time for her. She seems to be more accepting of her double casts right now and rarely lets it affect her mood. I wish I could just roll with circumstances the way she does. We are lucky that she's such an easy-going kid too. It makes the hard times in life just a bit more tolerable. With 3 more weeks to go it is starting to seem like there is an end in sight for this phase of her recovery. Hopefully she will have her casts off jst in time for Thanksgiving and believe me, it will give us all something to be grateful for! Or should I say one MORE thing to be thankful for. We are a big, busy family, but when I pause long enough to reflect on it or write out a few thoughts on life right now, I can see clearly how we are blessed as well. Blessed- even with challenges and an independent 2 year old. =) Hope you're finding things to be grateful for as November gets underway. Being grateful for small things each day can lead to a heart filled to the brim with contentment all life long!

She makes it look easy.

2010-10-27T14:24:00.002-04:00

What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been for my family this October. There has been so much going on- good, bad and in between, that I haven't had a moment to catch up here at Nitty.Gritty. I also find that being home around so many family members made it 'less urgent' for me to post, since we were sort of living out what I might otherwise blog home to them about. So that's the explanation I have for not updating here.

We packed our whole family of 8 into an RV and took a 12+ hour roadtrip across 5 states to be with all of my family and friends to remember our dear Grandma Shirley as she passed away October 17th. It was a bittersweet time for many of us as we have such fond memories of sharing life with her. They say there are two types of people in this world- givers and takers. She was a GIVER through and through- always giving joy, love, happiness, a word of encouragment or sharing a meal made by her hands and heart. She will be missed and remembered by so many and I am grateful I had the chance to be home in Minnesota to take part in celebrating who she was and always will be. As my great-uncle John said, "Shirley was a true love machine". I was lucky to know that, feel it from her firsthand, and hopefully take some of that with me and turn it around to pour out to others as I walk through life too.

That top photo is a picture of me with my family- my parents and my four siblings. We haven't taken a picture together like this in years. Being together was special- but after driving all those hours home with our youngsters, Chip and I vow not to do that again for a long, long while.

And I'm not kidding.

AT about the 8 hour mark each way we were ready to have the trip be over. Especially Crew strapped into his carseat and screaming to let us know he had had it. Not fun in Chicago rush-hour traffic. Or anywhere for that matter. And at that 8 hour mark you realize you are only two-thirds of the way to your destination. It starts to feel like a terrible mistake to be traveling; but somehow we made it there and back. The kids LOVED spending time with their cousins and catching up on the fun they've missed out on the past couple of years. There were lots of fun and games and laughter and screaming (especially from Wyndham when Grandma Genie pushed her wheelchair while running through the halls of the building where we stayed!) and there was lots of crying, yelling and 'drama' too. I won't even go into all of that but you can just be thankful along with me that we didn't have to have surgery to try to reattach Crew's fingers. That's all I'm going to say about that- we're all still traumatized from that elevator incident! Eeeks!

Okay.

Now for an update on Wyndham. Today marks 4 weeks since she had her double-foot surgery. It has felt like a long, long time for us, so I can only imagine how long it has felt for her. She can only sit in her wheelchair, or lay on the couch or her bed. Oh yeah, she has a special toilet seat to sit on once in awhile too. Yesterday she saw her surgeon for some x-rays and was re-cast as part of the ongoing recovery process. This time around she picked pink casts. I think she was actually starting to tire of seeing those bright orange ones and just wanted a little change in scenery. You can see she was checking them out this morning and then gave me a thumb's up too. What a steadfast spirit she has about her. I could learn a thing or two from her about patience and perseverance. I wish a lot of times I could be more like her. Look at the smiles on her face as she does her coloring pages. That's how she is most of the time.

We keep trying to make things "fun" for her as she's healing, but she's the one that smiles through the pain and monotony of her situation. We bring stuff to her- like the dollhouse that normally sits on the floor, and she also loves to spend time doing the paint application on the computer. She's very good at it and can start the program all on her own. She inspires me everyday; she makes it look easy!

Just before we wnt to Minnesota one night I was needing a chocolate fix of some sort, so I quick whipped up a chocolate cake mix. Instead of just pouring it into a 9x13 pan I poured it into the giant cupcake pan and decided to frost it and let Wyndham blow out 2 candles in "celebration" of surviving 2 weeks with her casts on. It was sort of a way for us to turn a bad situation into something a tiny bit wonderful. Right away when the kids saw the cake they wanted to know who's birthday it was. =) I told them it wasn't for a birthday, but instead it was for letting Wyndham know how proud we are of the way she is handling having to wear double-casts right now. They were so excited to see her blow out candles and celebrate something like being home from the hospital. It has been rough for us as a couple (I could write a short book on that!) and as a family, and I know it has been difficult for Wyndham too. She doesn't smile all the time and sure wishes she could be doing what she used to be doing, but at the same time, I am proud that we're all still hanging in there as best as we can do.

That's one of the many gifts I think my Grandma handed down to me and now I occasionally find I pass along too. I told her years ago, after surviving the loss of a child and living through tragedy, that she had made the suffering look "easy" to me and so many people around her through the years. You'd never know it from first meeting my Grandma, because of the smile on her face and the joy in her life, that she had lived a life of trials. She was so good at trusting God and giving all her burdens to Him. I learned from her that you don't have to live a life feeling sorry for yourself. You can move through your sorrows and suffering and she lived her life as an example of that- finding ways to turn her trials into opportunities to experience God's love, mercy and grace.

I feel like I fail more than I thrive when it comes to stepping up to these life challenges. But I hope that even through my failures I will learn that there is reason to keep going. I am so thankful for my Grandma's life, for the love and support of my family, and even the inspiration of Wyndham in her suffering. She makes it look easy and that never ceases to amaze me. I hope to become more like her- and can sense that God is growing patience in me right now too. Not always easy; but it is a good thing.

I don't know if there's spaghetti in Heaven...

2010-10-18T15:31:00.002-04:00

But if there is, these two could be slurping it and enjoying it together today. My Grandma Shirley passed away last evening and because of her belief in Jesus and His death on the cross for sin, I know she is in Heaven today. This picture of her and Teagan is more than 10 years old already. Yet I still remember the fun we all shared together and I can still "hear" what their laughter sounded like on that day.
Our family {my mom's side} and so many people are going to miss my Grandma and who she was in our lives. She lived an amazing life- one touched by tragedy and grief more than once- still she exuded joy and happiness to hundreds of people over the span of her life. There is so much I could say about her and truly, if you met her you blessed as a result.
We will be packing an RV tomorrow and driving from Michigan to Minnesota to be with family and friends as we share memories of grandma and our say final good-bye. We are sad on one hand, but filled with peace at the same time as we know she is home with God for all eternity now! What a thrill Heaven must be!
You can pray for us to have safe travel to and from home, as well as semi-well-behaved kids for 12+ hours, and that Wyndham will do well too. Although she is the one that is used to sitting in one place for hours at a time right now! I just know that my Grandma would be happy to hear that so many people are coming together from all over to remember her life, share in our sorrow and celebrate her faith that spurred her on until the very end. I'd love to tell you more about her and will do so when I get that chance. I look forward to seeing her in Heaven again. Someday!

For those of you who are checking in on us...

2010-10-12T21:32:00.003-04:00

{Cookie photo and recipe credits go to Dawn Finicane at Vanilla Sugar blog.}
I made a batch of these cookies tonight and ate some of the dough plus two cookies. For dinner. The kids ate an actual meal before they got their cookies, but I didn't get around to the dinner part. That's sort of how things are going around here right now.
Not bad.
But not really the way they should be.
Or how we wish things could be.
Having a newborn in the house is a challenge.
Having a fiesty, possibly ADD 2-year old in the house is a challenge.
Having a 9 year old in diapers and unable to speak is a challenge.
Having your challenged 9-year old in double-casts is even more challenging.

Trying to keep life "normal" for the other three who go to elementary and middle school is a challenge just because of all the other challenges.
I have to admit I feel like we're in over our heads most of the time. I also will admit that I realize things could be worse too. Much worse. Or should I say, more challenging.

It's not the end-of-the-world to eat delicious, fresh-baked big chewy cookies for dinner. It's not like I had a wasitline in the past 9 months anyway. =) I do sit and wonder what God could be trying to teach us in all of this right now. Maybe it is patience. Maybe it is to help us empathize with others who have needs and issues that seem unfair or overwhelming. Maybe it is a time in my life for me to just "be still and listen". I'm not sure what it's all about, but can tell you it is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm not just speaking about the physical challenges. I highly recommend the chocolate chip cookie recipe linked above. And our whole family appreciates those of you who keep checking in on us and lift up prayers for us too. If it weren't for the prayers, I probably wouldn't have gotten to eat dinner tonight, nor cookies. So, thanks for praying.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Adjusting.

2010-10-04T16:58:00.002-04:00

My parents left this morning to go back to their home in Minnesota. They were such a great help and support system for us this past week. We will miss them around here! Grandma Genie gave Ava her first major haircut and Ava loves it this short.

As for Wyndham, she is still doing well right now. Chip is doing most of her care and has a mattress he pulls out next to her bed so he can be near her at night. Things like brushing teeth and bathing are tricky and take longer than normal, but we're finding ways to modify such tasks and get them done. The kids are being very sensitive to Wyndham's needs and have been looking for ways to keep her entertained and happy. They dance for her and blow up balloons and turn on dvd's and just try to make the misery of being confined to bed or wheelchair less miserable.

Even Grandma found a way to involve Wyndham in making brownies. She brought the bowl and eggs and batter and spoon to Wyndham, and as you can see from these pictures, Wyndham wasn't shy about dipping her finger in the bowl to get a quick taste before the brownies went into the pan either. She is most happy when we help her to 'forget' about her casts. We still have a long road of recovery ahead of us {I say "us" because we ALL have had to make changes as a result of this surgery}, but so far we're adjusting about as well as we all could have expected. Keep saying those prayers for us and we'll keep baking brownies and try to dance as much as we can for Wyndham's happiness sake!

She picked orange.

2010-10-02T18:34:00.003-04:00

Wyndham came home from the hospital yesterday. Just under 48 hours after surgery. We never expected her to do so well, but she was taking her pain medication without incident, so her doctor gave her the green light. I have to say that we were not prepared for such a good response from her. Typically she is extremely sensitive when it comes to nausea and medication, but I know there were so many of you praying for her that it shouldn't have been such a surprise that she came out of this surgery so well.

As you can see, Wyndham picked orange for her cast color. It's her favorite color. The surgeon said she was ready for Halloween and hunting opener. =) We are settling in as best we can- considering there is a 2-year old and a newborn in our house too. There is a lot of activity and not a whole lot of 'safe' places for Wyndham to spend her time. She has to be moved by Chip and can sit up in her wheelchair, or be in her bed or on the couch. I have a feeling that the next couple of months are going to feel long for all of us. Just trying to change diapers and figure out things like bathing and teeth brushing are presenting small challenges. Your prayers for our patience and stress to be kept to a minimum are appreciated.

I also have a feeling that once this ordeal is all over, we will be thrilled to have "normal" back. It will feel extraordinary!